adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of March 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn't give a good god damn what happens to you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog's ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday's pizza and sack out on the couch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you've prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stop leading our nation's children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close