Horoscope for the week of March 3, 1999

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of March 3, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your loud public whining about "getting the hell out of this podunk town" will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can't for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn't give a good god damn what happens to you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog's ass.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday's pizza and sack out on the couch.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you've prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Stop leading our nation's children down a moral sewer. Instead, use candy and ropes to lead them down real sewers.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.


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