adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close