adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close