Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 09

Kerry Volunteer Gets Some Kerry-Primary Victory Sex

ST. PAUL, MN—Following U.S. Sen. John Kerry's win in the Minnesota Democratic primary, campaign volunteer Ron Pelles, 24, got a little Kerry-primary victory sex off of fellow volunteer Dawn Beecher Monday. "Dawn and I were on such a high after Kerry took the state," Pelles said Tuesday morning. "She gave me a congratulatory hug while we were loading up the van, and there was just so much energy in the air that—bam!" Pelles said that he and Beecher, a political-science major at the University of St. Thomas, went back to his apartment and had intercourse twice, once with Beecher on top and once in the spoon position.

Texan Feels Emotionally Empty After Chili Cook-off

EL PASO, TX—Native Texan and chili chef Jerry Gerber, 41, said he has been suffering a palpable sense of melancholy ever since the 17th Annual Five-Alarm Chili Cook-Off on Feb. 28 ended. "Spend all year gittin' together the hottest, rootin'-tootinest, mule-kickinest chili this side of the Rio Grande, and whadya git fer yer troubles?" Gerber said Tuesday. "Shucks, you eat it and then you're all hat and no horse." In lieu of seeking professional help, Gerber said he plans to force himself back into the saddle by beginning work on his entry for the Texas Beef Council Steak-A-Thon in June.

Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing

PALO ALTO, CA—Despite completing all the requirements for a Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing from Stanford University in January, Jeremy Craig Kessler somehow failed to become a master of creative writing, sources reported Monday. "Mr. Kessler's short stories, all written in the style of T.C. Boyle, show little more than excellence in spelling and grammar," said literary agent David Conrad. "Somehow, Kessler advanced to the very highest level of the academic program and has only an average body of work to show for it." Photocopies of Kessler's short-story collection can be purchased at jckessler.com.

Crank Caller Keeps Jerking Local News Team Around

PLATTSBURGH, NY—The Channel 5 Action News Team was duped once again by a crank call to the WPTZ breaking-news hotline Monday. "I should have known it was too good to be true that Jared [Fogle] would be filming a commercial at the Subway on Campus Drive," reporter Graham Johnson announced from the scene of the restaurant. "I knew that British accent seemed familiar, but it wasn't until we'd all jumped out of the van and rushed into the Subway that I figured it out. The same guy called about the escaped ape last week." Johnson vowed never to ignore his journalistic instincts again.

The New CPR

In a major shift in the emergency care of cardiac arrest, doctors are recommending a simpler form of CPR that eliminates mouth-to-mouth breathing. What are the other changes to CPR?

You Are The Most Beautiful Woman In The World Who Will Sleep With Me

Darling, I love you. You are truly the most amazing woman I'll ever lay my hands on. Could it be true, I ask myself? Is this gorgeous woman actually willing to let me have sex with her? A woman more lovely than any other woman I've ever met and been allowed to touch? The answer is yes! Of all the women on this earth, you are the single most beautiful one who is willing to let me sleep with her.

Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey

SAN FRANCISCO—A virulent strain of soy flu has been traced to a single tofurkey at a Bay Area food-processing factory. "An investigation of Green Earth Foods has located the bird-shaped loaf of firm bean curd from which the infection originated," said Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. "To prevent further spreading of the disease, all tofurkeys in Northern California are being quarantined and destroyed." Gerberding said it appears that the soy virus was not transmitted to the factory's Spaghetti & Wheatballs Microwaveable Entree division.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
  • Leo

    Leo

    There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.
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