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Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.

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