Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 3, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.