Aries | March 21 to April 19
You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.
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