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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Horoscope for the week of March 30, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never cared about mining, you've never been curious about mining, and you certainly never wanted to be a miner, but the only thing those gun-toting Australians care about is getting the silver out of the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always believed that people are basically good. Unfortunately, this week will go a long way toward convincing you that most of them aren't really good in bed, where it counts most.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You said the only thing you wanted was for your child to be born with all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, so you'll have no right to complain when you find out exactly where the digits are.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After a week of your bragging, the Muses have decided to prevent you from winning another limerick contest at Tubby's.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're developing a reputation as something of a "party pooper," because your friends are too proper to call you "that chick who shits in the punch bowl."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always said real estate is the one commodity that they're not making any more of, which is one reason why the world's volcanoes are out to get you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The proper course of future action becomes clear this week when the stars in your sign mystically align and spell out, "You still owe Evan 10 bucks."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be relieved to find out that sex after marriage is just as good as it ever was, except for the added hassle of making sure your wife doesn't find out about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your life expectancy will reach an all-time low this week when it somehow gets out that you're a good source of potassium, folic acid, and $245 in small bills.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It may or may not give you a reason to consider the error of your ways, but the only person you know who won't get hit by a bus next week is the bus driver everyone always picks on.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have the bad luck to come to maturity days after the traditional ritual of "becoming a man" is replaced by an intensive, three-month regimen of rigorous physical testing.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite its willingness to eat anything, sleep anywhere, and carry 200 pounds of equipment on its back, you have to admit there's something weird about your cat.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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