Horoscope for the week of March 30, 2005

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Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of March 30, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You've never cared about mining, you've never been curious about mining, and you certainly never wanted to be a miner, but the only thing those gun-toting Australians care about is getting the silver out of the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always believed that people are basically good. Unfortunately, this week will go a long way toward convincing you that most of them aren't really good in bed, where it counts most.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You said the only thing you wanted was for your child to be born with all 10 fingers and all 10 toes, so you'll have no right to complain when you find out exactly where the digits are.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    After a week of your bragging, the Muses have decided to prevent you from winning another limerick contest at Tubby's.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're developing a reputation as something of a "party pooper," because your friends are too proper to call you "that chick who shits in the punch bowl."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've always said real estate is the one commodity that they're not making any more of, which is one reason why the world's volcanoes are out to get you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The proper course of future action becomes clear this week when the stars in your sign mystically align and spell out, "You still owe Evan 10 bucks."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be relieved to find out that sex after marriage is just as good as it ever was, except for the added hassle of making sure your wife doesn't find out about it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your life expectancy will reach an all-time low this week when it somehow gets out that you're a good source of potassium, folic acid, and $245 in small bills.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It may or may not give you a reason to consider the error of your ways, but the only person you know who won't get hit by a bus next week is the bus driver everyone always picks on.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll have the bad luck to come to maturity days after the traditional ritual of "becoming a man" is replaced by an intensive, three-month regimen of rigorous physical testing.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Despite its willingness to eat anything, sleep anywhere, and carry 200 pounds of equipment on its back, you have to admit there's something weird about your cat.