Horoscope for the week of March 31, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 12

Glandular Problem Forces Man To Eat Fifth Helping

FREDERICKSBURG, MD—Born with a rare, debilitating glandular disorder, 450-pound Fredericksburg resident Gordon Hotchkiss, 41, helped himself to a fifth serving of mashed potatoes Monday. "Why, oh, why, was I chosen by God to suffer from this horrible blaaarghmum?" bemoaned the stricken Hotchkiss, helplessly shoveling fistfuls of buttery mashed potatoes into his mouth. "What have I done to deserve this awful glomphummm?" Hotchkiss' condition, known within medical circles as "bigfatfuckitis," also prevents him from using the stairs instead of the elevator to get to his second-floor apartment.

Second-Grade Music Student Goes Nuts With Cowbell

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Lakeview Elementary School second-grader Andrew Armbrister went completely nuts with the cowbell during music class Monday, ferociously banging on the percussive instrument for more than five minutes in an effort to produce the loudest sound humanly possible. "Ah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah," the 7-year-old Armbrister shouted atonally to augment the performance, drowning out music teacher Brenda Noonan's impassioned appeals for him to stop. Noonan told reporters that in the future, Armbrister would be assigned triangle duty.

Starlet-Viewer Age Difference Quickly Calculated

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Alarmed Grand Rapids data-entry clerk Clifford Gornowicz, 33, quickly calculated the age difference between himself and 17-year-old Tonight Show guest Gaby Hoffman while watching the program Monday. "Man... 16 years," Gornowicz said to himself after host Jay Leno disclosed the actress' age. "That means she wasn't even born when The Empire Strikes Back came out. Oh, God." Gornowicz has reportedly not been this distressed since Christina Ricci.

Borrowed CD Slowly Integrated Into Own Collection

OLYMPIA, WA—An Elvis Costello CD belonging to area resident Jonathan Wagner, 24, has entered the final stage of de facto ownership by friend Doug Alland, sources reported Tuesday. "For the first four or five days, I kept Jon's copy of Blood & Chocolate alone on top of my CD player," Alland, 23, said. "Then, for about a week and a half, I had it next to a stack of my own CDs that I'd been listening to." Alland said he then worked the album into the adjacent stack, eventually filing it away in his own CD shelf, where it will remain permanently, unless Wagner specifically asks for it back. "I'm way more into that album than Jon is, anyway," said Alland, defending the gradual acquisition. "He barely ever even played it." In 1997, Alland made news for a spectacular nine-stage acquisition of Down By Law on videocassette.

Colorful Multicultural Mural Celebrates Diverse Lack Of Talent

COLUMBUS, OH—A brightly colored multicultural mural on the side of the Walker Street Community Center has brought together Columbus' many diverse ethnic communities in a celebration of talentless painting. "The young people of this city have given us something we truly can kind of be proud of," City Councilman Terrence Fordham said Monday at the bad mural's dedication ceremony. "These ham-fisted dollops of garish paint and barely recognizable human figures are a joyous tribute to the gorgeous mosaic that is Columbus."

On The Road Again

I am sorry to say that Standish and I are no longer under the protection of the Burger-King. At the end of the first day of asylum, the diplomat known as "Dale—Crew Manager" informed us that we had been mistaken for two other "senior-citizens" who apparently also sought refuge with the fabled monarch of meat.

This Year's Tri-County Agribusiness Awards Were A Damn Travesty

As you no doubt know, this past Monday night was the Tri-County Agribusiness Awards, the gala annual event honoring the best in agriculture sales and marketing in the tri-county area. As is the case every year, I was really excited to watch the show. But after seeing who took home the coveted Aggys this year, I swear, I'm never watching again. The 1999 Tri-County Agribusiness Awards were nothing but a damn travesty!
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of March 31, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Take heart: Though nothing can ever bring back your dead loved ones, there are things that can get rid of your living hated ones.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will fall in love with a kindly Taurus just days before dying of a deadly Cancer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for big laughs at their god parties.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will awaken from a deep, healing sleep to find yourself terribly hung over and covered in windshield glass.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars indicate that today is a good day to die. This is fortunate, considering what they have to say about tonight.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens thanks to your standout performance in Scared Straight II.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    We're sorry, but despite claims to the contrary, this is not the dawning of the Age Of You.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a million suns. That and the fact that you are a quasar in the constellation Draco.
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