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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

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Horoscope for the week of March 31, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take heart: Though nothing can ever bring back your dead loved ones, there are things that can get rid of your living hated ones.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall in love with a kindly Taurus just days before dying of a deadly Cancer.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for big laughs at their god parties.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will awaken from a deep, healing sleep to find yourself terribly hung over and covered in windshield glass.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars indicate that today is a good day to die. This is fortunate, considering what they have to say about tonight.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens thanks to your standout performance in Scared Straight II.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    We're sorry, but despite claims to the contrary, this is not the dawning of the Age Of You.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a million suns. That and the fact that you are a quasar in the constellation Draco.

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