Aries | March 21 to April 19
If the advice of the stars has still somehow failed to bring you happiness, don't worry: There's probably just something terribly wrong with you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will bring joy and laughter to an entire nation with what you thought was a tragic life story.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Take heart: Though nothing can ever bring back your dead loved ones, there are things that can get rid of your living hated ones.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your life will be drab and gray until you discover that your stuffed animals can be posed in amusing sexual positions.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will fall in love with a kindly Taurus just days before dying of a deadly Cancer.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Be assured that the gods of Love and Mercy have heard your pleas for help. They have taped them and enjoy playing them for big laughs at their god parties.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will awaken from a deep, healing sleep to find yourself terribly hung over and covered in windshield glass.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars indicate that today is a good day to die. This is fortunate, considering what they have to say about tonight.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don't be so sensitive. Sometimes, when people say "big, fat, flaming asshole," they really just mean "fat asshole."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will become an inspiration to thousands of teens thanks to your standout performance in Scared Straight II.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
We're sorry, but despite claims to the contrary, this is not the dawning of the Age Of You.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your inner beauty makes you shine with the light of a million suns. That and the fact that you are a quasar in the constellation Draco.
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