Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.
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