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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Horoscope for the week of March 31, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.

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