adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of March 31, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close