Horoscope for the week of March 31, 2004

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 31, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will hear something this week that makes you doubt the love of your spouse, but exactly why circus music has this effect will remain a mystery.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Efficient, divine revelation is yours this week when the love goddess Aphrodite appears to you for 1.9 seconds during a round of speed-dating.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've always believed that you can judge a man by his handshakes, which is why you continue to denounce the theories of Stephen Hawking.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be granted the secret wish of parents everywhere when your adorable baby daughter stays that size forever.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars believe that a person must make his own mistakes, but they warn you not to do anything that may, say, burn down Chicago this week.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Personal growth looms large in your future as you are transformed into a 1,000-foot giant who blots out the sun.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always believed that the children are our future, which is true insofar as most are cruel, violent, and short.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will find that one can go a long way in this world by practicing honesty, kindness, and the bizarre owl-worship ritual of the Druids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll achieve nationwide fame when footage of the polar bear mauling your carcass is set to "Flight Of The Bumblebee."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's one thing to try to change your image, but it's another to bulk up on Andro, wear only white mink, and insist that you're the Vanilla Gorilla.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Some may call your breast implants tacky, but at least you had the guts to try out unconventional shapes.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You're in grave danger of planning your life around vague interpretations of the mysterious patterns that can supposedly be seen in the night sky.