Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
All meaning will disappear from your life this week when you realize that electronic music is just a fad.
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