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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Horoscope for the week of March 4, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All meaning will disappear from your life this week when you realize that electronic music is just a fad.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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