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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Horoscope for the week of March 4, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    All meaning will disappear from your life this week when you realize that electronic music is just a fad.

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