Horoscope for the week of March 4, 1998

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Vol 33 Issue 08

Ants Demand 23.9-Hour Workday

STILLWATER, OK—Frustrated with what they describe as unreasonable working conditions, a local clan of carpenter ants went on strike Tuesday to demand that their workday be reduced to 23 hours and 54 minutes. “All we ask is a mere six minutes off each day, so that we might rest and replenish ourselves with nutrient paste,” said ant spokesman HR-23200165-8608. “Is that so unreasonable?” Sources within the ant clan have suggested that the workers are willing to compromise, and would likely accept a 167.65-hour work week. If the strike persists for another three seconds, the queen of the clan has threatened to dispatch her legion of hunter-seeker warrior-class drones to devour the 18,000 ants participating in the strike.

Sixth Grader Begins Work On Pony Trilogy

CANTON, OH—Canton-area sixth-grader Melissa Wright announced plans Monday to begin work on her much-anticipated "Pony Trilogy," a three-part series chronicling her adventures with fictional pony Star Rider. Volume one, tentatively titled Melissa Meets Star Rider, is expected to be completed sometime this week. "It’s gonna be about me and Star Rider having all this fun together, and I’m also gonna talk about how much I love to ride her," Wright said. While Wright did not give exact details of the second and third installments, they are widely expected to touch on Star Rider’s amazing ability to fly, as well as the pony’s acquisition of a magic emerald which grants Wright the power to eavesdrop on anyone she wants to by speaking their name. "Expect this work to take sixth-grade pony fiction in exciting new directions," said George Toffel of Doubleday Press.

PLO Claims Responsibility For Bombing Of Krippendorf’s Tribe

BEIRUT, LEBANON—In one of the deadliest acts of cinematic terrorism in recent years, the Palestinian Liberation Organization claimed responsibility Monday for the bombing of the Touchstone Pictures comedy Krippendorf’s Tribe. "To protest the continued Jewish occupation of our homeland, we have engineered the bombing of this film, creating singularly unappealing promotional ads and posters; giving it a formulaic script filled with tired, unfunny gags; and devoting more than 45 minutes of screen time to a naked, body-painted Richard Dreyfuss," a PLO statement said of the bombing, which claimed the jobs of three Touchstone executives. "Return Palestine to its rightful owners, or we shall mastermind a three-hour Steve Guttenberg/Shelley Long romantic comedy such that the world has never seen."

The Super-Flu Threat

Although there hasn't been a new case of avian flu since last December, when it took six lives in Hong Kong, virologists fear it could combine with another existing flu to form a highly lethal and contagious "super-flu" virus, killing millions worldwide. What do you think?

Heads Need To Be Cracked In!

I know I speak for every organism that has ever existed on the planet when I say that heads need to be cracked in, fast. Cracking people's fucking heads in was my first love, and it shall be my last.
End Of Section
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 4, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your joy over an upcoming week off is shattered when your employer reminds you that you are, in fact, a slave and therefore not entitled to vacations.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your practice of enjoying life is morally wrong. From now on, work harder and deny yourself even the smallest bit of happiness so you can enjoy yourself after you die.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Gemini predictions have been discontinued due to the death of the last Gemini in captivity this past Monday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will need to win over your co-workers to your point of view this week. This is no great surprise, however, as you are U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson (R-TN).
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though you do so with the best of intentions, calling your depressed friend a "big, fat, ugly asshole" will utterly fail to cheer her up.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Communication is especially crucial to your love life this week: To avoid potential misunderstandings, prepare a list of things you do and don’t want to do, and present it to the person you're stalking.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your pastor's assertion that everything you want or need may be found in the Bible is proven true when you find $20 and three packets of heroin in your mother’s New Testament.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be plunged into despair following your realization that being a Sagittarius is the most noteworthy thing about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your years of strong belief in astrology and the paranormal will finally pay off for the nation's phone psychics.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A little-known item about skunk anatomy will leave you smelling awful but smiling from ear to ear this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    All meaning will disappear from your life this week when you realize that electronic music is just a fad.
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