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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of March 4, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.

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