adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 4, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of March 4, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close