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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

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Horoscope for the week of March 4, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    here comes a moment in every person's life when one must honestly evaluate one's worth as a human being. You should put this moment off indefinitely.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your replacement by more than 10,000 miles of super-efficient fiber-optic cable is scheduled to begin next week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    No one will catch your witty, conversational George Romero reference next week, embarrassing you and the entire courtroom.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will inspire a disappointing, half-hearted Lifetime Channel original movie after waking from an eight-hour coma.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will go down in medical history as the first North American to succumb to foot-and-mouth-and-kidney-and-eye-socket-and-lung disease.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Armed government agents will again prohibit you from attending Milan's oh-so-very Spring Fashion Week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    All the time and effort you've put into preparing for your future should come in handy over the next nine days.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After years of using, selling, and enjoying the stuff, you still can't figure out why they call it "dope."
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you've never even heard of the "Cool-O-Meter," you'll score a measly three on it next Wednesday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll set the custom of open-casket funerals back years when you demand that a rather non-traditional part of your casket be left open.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your flagging interest in the arts will be rekindled by the realization that there is a Bat-girl.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though it's demonstrably true that "[you] do not have problems; everyone in the rest of the world does," knowing this will do nothing to help you get along with the other members of human society.

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