Horoscope for the week of March 5, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of March 5, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    In the spring of your youth you were one who ran often to the many women of Paris, but now the good wine and the late light of the sun on the Plaza Del Toros must be enough for you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It is good to sit at the bar with one's feet on the bright brass rail while the old hunters lie their lies about the snow leopards of Kilimanjaro.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There may be as many as 200 fragments of shrapnel in you, but it is as nothing compared to the bone spur of the great DiMaggio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As the gangrene in your leg worsens and the seaplane seems that it will never arrive, do not rob your death of nobility by selfishly clinging to Catherine's keening pity.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You shall never be as close to a friend as the friends who shared your foxhole and your cigarettes and on good days your sherry and then one day died in the war.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    In Michigan the spring is late but sudden and the quicksilver trout will hit the hook with strength enough to break your heart and you can almost forget that she did not love you, she never had.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When you feel you must cry for the love of your woman, take her to the pictures and then, without warning, seize her and kiss her by the machine for the making of the popcorn.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There will come one last perfect day, a day when the laughter flows like wine or tears, and after this perfect day there will be nothing for you but the gritty embrace of the grave.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    As you wheel smartly down the Rue des Artistes in the gin-bright air of a new spring, you will know in blood and bone that it is a fine thing to be an ambulance driver, a fine thing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    With your friends betrayed by a woman and your soul betrayed by greed, you will seek to bury your sword-cane in a priest's black heart.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Then come the days of leaden sky and no breath of wind, and your native bearers sigh, "There is no weather today. Today we drink, sir."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    And if there be an end to it, let it be this, that I was more or less a man.