Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 08

White History Year Resumes

WASHINGTON, DC—Scholars say there is a remarkable wealth of documented white history to explore this coming March through December.

Moral Tacked Onto End Of Man's Life

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Immediately following his death Tuesday, a moral was hastily tacked onto the life of North Platte resident Roy Brooks. "As Roy's life plainly illustrated, you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," said Rev. Paul Winters, speaking from Brooks' death bed at St. Augustus Memorial Hospital. "If there's anything this man taught us, it is surely that." Responding to the statement, Brooks' loved ones agreed that they had learned a valuable lesson.

U.S. Capitol Cleaning Turns Up Long-Lost Constitution

WASHINGTON, DC—Lost for nearly two years, the U.S. Constitution was found Tuesday behind a couch in the Governor's Reception Room. "Wow, I forgot all about that thing," said U.S. Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), who found the historic document while vacuuming. "Nobody knew what happened to it. Guess it must've fallen back there during a meeting." After making the find, Dodd spent several minutes rereading some of his favorite old amendments.

Rich First-Grader Buys Whole Sheet Of Gold Stars

BREMERTON, WA—Lakeside Elementary first-grader Max Carr, son of Boeing CEO Robert Carr, used a small portion of his $100 weekly allowance Monday to buy himself a sheet of the gold stars used to reward academic achievement. "I don't get why all the kids work so hard to get good grades just for a sticker," Carr said. "I only got a C-minus on my phonics homework, but Mommy took me to the mall, and now I have 10 gold stars—more than anybody in the whole class." Carr said his "dumb classmates have no idea" that students can simply purchase a sheet of "Great Job!" Mickey Mouse stickers at a store.

After 10 Months Of Bitter Struggle, Downstairs Neighbor Masters 'Jumpin' Jack Flash'

GAINESVILLE, FL—After 10 months of bitter, around-the-clock struggle, pizza-delivery driver and aspiring guitarist Darren Lowell, 23, has finally mastered The Rolling Stones' "Jumpin' Jack Flash," his upstairs neighbor reported Tuesday. "I'm glad he finally nailed it," neighbor Jeremy Quinlan said. "From what I could hear through my living-room floor these past 10 months, he was really locked in an epic battle with that elusive 'dunh-dunh, da-da-da da-da-da da-da-da' riff. It was truly like Ahab and the whale." Next week, Lowell is slated to embark on his next ambitious project, Van Halen's "Eruption," which is scheduled for completion in the spring of 2004.

Movie Marketed As Six Different Genres

NEW YORK—Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, the Miramax film based on the memoirs of Gong Show creator Chuck Barris, is being marketed as six different genres, sources reported Tuesday. "So far, I've seen TV ads making it look like a romantic comedy, a spy thriller, a Hollywood satire, a straightforward biopic, and a strange, Being John Malkovich-esque mind-bender," said Daniel Taubman, 24, of Chapel Hill, NC. "I heard there's also one that makes it look like a chick flick, playing up the whole Drew Barrymore/Julia Roberts angle, but I haven't seen it. It probably runs on Lifetime or Oxygen or something."

Why Can't We Live In Enlightened Topless Europe?

I realize that speaking out in favor of Europe is not a wise thing to do these days, but I must give credit where credit is due. My tour of Europe last summer opened my eyes to a rich culture where people place a premium on conversations about philosophy and ideas rather than last night's episode of Friends. Food is prepared and savored, not popped in the microwave and inhaled. And women are free to expose their breasts, not forced to hide them behind layers of constricting fabric. Why, oh, why, can't we live in enlightened topless Europe?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."
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