adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close