Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."


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