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Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

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Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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Horoscope for the week of March 5, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."

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