Aries | March 21 to April 19
All those jokes about your attention span would probably get you down if you ever stuck around to see how they end.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
An unfortunate typo in your flyer results in dozens of infuriated jockeys and bettors showing up for your annual three-day horse-raping festival..
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Once again, it seems like you're the only one who can get word back to Earth before all hope is lost."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A tumor the size of a walnut will be found in your forebrain, explaining your recent fascination with mid-1970s American fiber art.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The Army's okay, you suppose, but you just can't see yourself wearing any uniform that doesn't have two broad leather straps crossing over a bare chest.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your life seems great, but you wish you knew why that loud computer voice keeps counting backwards.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You've always thought it would be thrilling to be shot while trying to escape, but not from a marriage to the manager of the west-side Olive Garden.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be the toast of Europe when Thievery Corporation remixes you into a cool after-hours chillout-session track.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your relief is palpable when the Channel 7 News CrimeStoppers' reenactment of your upcoming mugging leaves out the pants-wetting.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're a passable singer, fair banjo player, and moderately attractive bottle-blonde, but that doesn't mean you're the Lost Dixie Chick.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will inherit $20,000 from a great-aunt in Iowa, but, sadly, no overnight stay in a spooky haunted castle is required to claim the money.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A freak accident causes you and a Boise stockbroker to become the world's first "double reverse Idaho twins."
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