Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

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Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.