Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
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Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.


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