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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.

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