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Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.

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