Aries | March 21 to April 19
Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.
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