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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of March 6, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everyone will talk about your bold decision to wear such a revealing swimsuit, especially so soon after the accident.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that everyone knows your deepest, darkest secrets is groundless. No one even knows you exist.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    This week will be exceptional for the high frequency and brutality of celebrity makeovers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    No matter how many times you take that career-determination test, it still comes out saying "kangaroo."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Next time, try not to select your murder weapon on the basis of how much it will impress the police when they find it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Friends are beginning to tire of your insistence that you're one of the people in Picasso's "Guernica."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though you never intended to do so, you will soon trade your dignity for the guitar tablature to several Creed songs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    An interesting incident on the freeway will teach you the meaning of the term "swoop and squat" and introduce you to the exciting world of insurance fraud.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your lifelong battle with stage fright will be justified when you are mauled by an escaped stage.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your prosthetic is incredibly lifelike, but people can tell it's not real–mostly because people don't have three ears.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will finally outdo your father when you go six weeks without saying anything positive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your reach will always exceed your grasp, but don't worry too much: This is normal when you have no hands.

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