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Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.

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