Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.