Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.
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