Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 08

Guidance Counselor Prefaces SAT Results By Talking About Test's Flaws

MAHWAH, NJ–In a preamble that boded poorly for the academic future of Mahwah High School senior Kevin Stember, guidance counselor Elvin Cross prefaced Stember's SAT scores by downplaying the test's reliability and worth Monday. "You know, the SAT is a flawed, inexact measure of one's abilities," a grim-faced Cross told Stember. "It measures what you know rather than what you're capable of doing." Cross added that there are many essential real-life skills the SAT fails to gauge, like punching in on time and maintaining a clean uniform.

Eminem Releases Single About Hugging Elton John At Grammys Then Ripping His Dick Off With Pliers

LOS ANGELES–With the nation still buzzing over his Feb. 21 Grammy Awards duet with Elton John, Eminem released a single Tuesday inspired by the performance. Among the song's lyrics: "I was at the Grammys and Elton John gave me a hug / So I got out my pliers and ripped his little faggot dick off with a tug / Shoved it down the throats of Britney, then Christina A. / Probably gave both of the bitches AIDS." John praised the song as "brave" and "coming from a very pure place."

Greenspan Considering Role In Ocean's Eleven Remake

WASHINGTON, DC–Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan confirmed Monday that he is considering a role in the upcoming remake of the 1960 Rat Pack heist caper Ocean's Eleven. "Tell [director Steven] Soderbergh I get the Dean Martin part, or he can take a flying hike," Greenspan, already in character, was overheard telling his manager at the posh D.C. eatery La Gondola. "I'm not canceling three weeks at Caesar's for the Lawford part. I can act rings around that fairy boy Brad Pitt and still satisfy five dames before his pants are off. Bada bing."

Television Executive's Baby Cancelled In Development Stage

LOS ANGELES–Deeming the fetus "not viable at this time," ABC vice-president of programming Lew Schaffer pulled the plug Monday on his unborn child after 11 weeks in development. "The baby was making impressive progress," Schaffer said. "But, unfortunately, it did not meet the needs of this network's vice-president of programming at this time." Schaffer expressed sympathy for Liz Harris, his former personal assistant and the fetus' co-creator, saying: "This was a hard decision, because I know this thing was really Liz's baby."

Improving NASCAR Safety

NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt's fatal crash at the Daytona 500 on Feb. 18 has prompted widespread calls for tougher safety measures. What steps is NASCAR taking?

Twister Party Fails To Get Dirty

LOUISVILLE, KY–Despite expectations that a group of adults playing the physically demanding Milton Bradley game would degenerate into a sexual free-for-all, University of Louisville graduate student Amanda Corcoran's invite-only Twister party failed to get dirty, a disappointed party attendee reported Saturday.

Layoffs And The R-Word

Every day, another major company announces thousands of layoffs, stoking fears of an economic recession. What do you think?

Government Report On Illiteracy Copied Straight From Encyclopedia

WASHINGTON, DC–Scandal erupted Monday, when it was discovered that a recent Department of Education report on illiteracy was copied directly from the 1982 Encyclopedia Britannica. "Illiteracy is the inability to read," the plagiarized report read in part. "It affects many nations, including the United States." Responding to the controversy, Education Secretary Rod Paige argued that the department was told it could use Library of Congress materials in reports.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Holiday

Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
  • Libra

    Libra

    You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.
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