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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.

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