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Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of March 7, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would have been amazed by your survival on that life raft for three weeks even if it weren't filled with hungry Alaskan brown bears.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you've long known where babies come from, you're shocked to discover exactly how they got there.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your first attempt at playwriting might not have the "artsy" quality you were going for, but it will be a runaway hit thanks to its undeniable "fartsy" qualities.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be struck by a taxi, dragged two blocks, and hospitalized for four months as part of a new "eye for an eye" crime-deterrence program.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sad truth about next week is that, for you, it's only four days long.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After a lifetime of confusion, you'll finally figure out why they call those things "three-ring binders."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be a damn good lawyer, but not even you can weather the trials of love with Brian.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Circumstances compel you to finally come out of your shell next week. Unfortunately, you are a hermit crab.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It doesn't matter how old you getñthose pop-up books are simply the most fun thing in the world.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    How quickly things change: A self-immolation that would have been scandalous 10 years ago seems almost whimsical next week.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events in your life this week will closely mirror those addressed in the song "Rhinestone Cowboy." Next week: "The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll feel like you've missed something when the novel you're reading about the sexy lady hockey player turns out to be by Don DeLillo under a pen name.

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