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Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is not a person alive who can't beat you at tic-tac-toe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.

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