Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is not a person alive who can't beat you at tic-tac-toe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.
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