Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is not a person alive who can't beat you at tic-tac-toe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.