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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of March 8, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your refusal to observe the dress code at work may soon get you fired. Perhaps you should admit that one doesn't need a suit and tie to wash dishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be forced to leave the army in disgrace when it is discovered that you never enlisted and are not actually a soldier.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Further FAA investigation of the airplane's black box will still be unable to detect anything but your off-key whistling of "O Canada."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Take some time out for yourself this week. Two or three minutes will do, as you really aren't worth much more.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will gain insight into an exciting new dimension, thanks to a pair of red-and-blue-lensed cardboard spectacles.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    That spare tire around your midsection isn't going away by itself. Invest in a quality set of tire irons.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be devastated when a New York Times editorial says you have "yet to convince voters that you have a true passion for seeking the presidency."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The end is in sight. Only one final step remains before you can truly be called a martyr.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though you are a drug czar, you are not, in fact, Barry McCaffrey, the official U.S. drug czar.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is not a person alive who can't beat you at tic-tac-toe.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars see great tragedy in your future, unless you become more generous with contributions to the Zodiac Widows & Orphans Fund.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be gripped by the delusional suspicion that all of your closest friends on TV are actually just actors in some far-off studio.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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