Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 10

Mysterious Defibrillator Saves Accident Victim, Disappears

SAN ANTONIO, TX—An unidentified defibrillator saved the life of heart-attack victim Clifford Moore, 67, and vanished without a trace, sources at Goode Company Barbecue reported Monday. "I was headed back for more condiments when I felt a terrible pain in my chest and collapsed," Moore said. "I think I must have passed out, but I remember feeling paddles on my chest and a sudden jolt. I wish that defibrillator would have stuck around... I would've liked to have thanked it." The only trace the phantom defibrillator left behind was a tiny, silver-adhesive-backed conductive pad found below an outdoor bench.

Script Could Use Another Pass, Mom Says

ANSLEY, NE—Persistence Of Vision, a screenplay by aspiring screenwriter James Grunau, "isn't quite ready to shop yet," Grunau's 57-year-old mother Doris told her son over breakfast Monday. "I know you worked really hard, Jimmy, but I think this could use another good punch-up," Grunau said of the 115-page draft. "I just don't think anyone will relate to Donna, and the second act feels flat. You need to raise the emotional stakes." Ms. Grunau then offered her son some butterscotch pudding.

Bar Bet Becomes Increasingly Complex

DETROIT, MI—Onlookers at Schutt's Tavern report that a bet between two customers grew to almost unworkable complexity Monday. "Okay, let's get clear on this," said bartender Tim Alighire, officiating the wager. "If Sin City doesn't suck, Roger has to join Gary's pool team instead of Keith's, but only if Gary gets Troy to join too, in which case Gary has to pay Roger's dues and Roger has to chip in for half of Troy's dues? And Troy... no, Gary gets to decide if the movie is good?" Watching his two customers shake hands, Alighire said he wished that hockey season hadn't been canceled.

The Edge Still Introducing Self As Such

MALIBU, CA—U2 guitarist The Edge, born David Evans, introduces himself by his stage name, sources reported Monday. "He showed up at parent-teacher conferences, extended his hand, and said, 'Hi, I'm Sian's father The Edge,'" said Dory Beckman, a second-grade teacher at Malibu Heights Elementary. "I didn't quite understand, so he said, 'U2's The Edge.' Well, I guess with all the records he's sold, he's entitled to call himself whatever he wants." Employees at Gladstone's 4 Fish restaurant said Evans placed "The Edge" on their waiting list when he took his family out for fried scallops last week.

'Me Decade' Celebrates 35th Year

NEW YORK—The "Me Decade," a period beginning in 1970 and marked by self-awareness and self-fulfillment, celebrated its 35th year Monday. "With careerism, materialism, and general self-involvement as popular as they were was decades ago, the Me Decade may well go on for another 35 years," said historian and Columbia University professor Dr. Vera Conklin. "It's been the longest-running decade in American history, beating the selfless 'Greatest Generation' of the '40s by a good 15 years. Selfishness, it seems, is here to stay." Author Tom Wolfe, who coined the term in his essay "The Me Decade And The Third Great Awakening," was unavailable for comment, as he is working on his memoirs.

Nationwide Headband Trend Traced Back To Area Sophomore

PIERRE, SD—As cotton athletic headbands, the season's hot fashion accessory, continue to appear on trendsetters' foreheads across the nation, the originator of the fad has finally been located: Pierre West High School sophomore Melody Peterson.

New Stop-Smoking Aids

Over-the-counter stop-smoking aids like Nicorette gum and Nicotrol patches are more popular than ever. What are some of the newest prodcuts on the market?

Study: Reality TV, Reality Unfair To Blacks

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a study released Monday by the Center for Media and Social Research, the reality-TV genre is unfairly biased against black people. The study revealed that reality is unfair to blacks, as well.
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Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be allowed one last transcendently happy, almost unbearably beautiful thought the moment before the red-hot fishhooks hit your groin.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Although next Wednesday will be a Wednesday through and through, it will feel like a Thursday to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It is written that in the midst of life we are all in death. That may be true, but in the midst of your own life, you'll actually still be at Circuit City.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your credibility will suffer when the local news runs footage of your burning pants suspended from telecommunications cables.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Lesions on the brain may sometimes lead to episodes of irrational violence, but yours just make you want to pound the face of country-music star Kenny Chesney against a cement wall until his eyes fall out of his head.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll experience a measured increase in workplace romance this week when a hastily-typed, company-wide memorandum mandates an immediate 30-percent seduction in office managerial staff.
  • Libra

    Libra

    By the time the state finally moves to stop your illegal experiments with inebriated, machine-gun-wielding chimps, they'll find out it was a self-correcting problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The stars suggest that you keep your mouth shut next week when you lose a lot of money in your church's Pope John Paul II death pool.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    While it's true that sometimes you have to let your friends make their own mistakes, you should really know better than to let them have tedious, unfulfilling sex with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Mother Nature wants you to understand that, although she loves you very much and always will, it is time for you to move out of her house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be chained to a rock and tortured for eternity as punishment for stealing the secret of irresistibly flaky, gooey-sweet cinnamon rolls from the gods.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll set out to tell the tragic story of hopeless love among the beautiful and doomed, but your efforts will result in a full Broadway cast, a Bryan Adams ballad, and endless pages of heartfelt online fan-fiction.
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