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Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be allowed one last transcendently happy, almost unbearably beautiful thought the moment before the red-hot fishhooks hit your groin.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although next Wednesday will be a Wednesday through and through, it will feel like a Thursday to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It is written that in the midst of life we are all in death. That may be true, but in the midst of your own life, you'll actually still be at Circuit City.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your credibility will suffer when the local news runs footage of your burning pants suspended from telecommunications cables.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lesions on the brain may sometimes lead to episodes of irrational violence, but yours just make you want to pound the face of country-music star Kenny Chesney against a cement wall until his eyes fall out of his head.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll experience a measured increase in workplace romance this week when a hastily-typed, company-wide memorandum mandates an immediate 30-percent seduction in office managerial staff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    By the time the state finally moves to stop your illegal experiments with inebriated, machine-gun-wielding chimps, they'll find out it was a self-correcting problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars suggest that you keep your mouth shut next week when you lose a lot of money in your church's Pope John Paul II death pool.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While it's true that sometimes you have to let your friends make their own mistakes, you should really know better than to let them have tedious, unfulfilling sex with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mother Nature wants you to understand that, although she loves you very much and always will, it is time for you to move out of her house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be chained to a rock and tortured for eternity as punishment for stealing the secret of irresistibly flaky, gooey-sweet cinnamon rolls from the gods.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll set out to tell the tragic story of hopeless love among the beautiful and doomed, but your efforts will result in a full Broadway cast, a Bryan Adams ballad, and endless pages of heartfelt online fan-fiction.

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