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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be allowed one last transcendently happy, almost unbearably beautiful thought the moment before the red-hot fishhooks hit your groin.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although next Wednesday will be a Wednesday through and through, it will feel like a Thursday to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It is written that in the midst of life we are all in death. That may be true, but in the midst of your own life, you'll actually still be at Circuit City.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your credibility will suffer when the local news runs footage of your burning pants suspended from telecommunications cables.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lesions on the brain may sometimes lead to episodes of irrational violence, but yours just make you want to pound the face of country-music star Kenny Chesney against a cement wall until his eyes fall out of his head.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll experience a measured increase in workplace romance this week when a hastily-typed, company-wide memorandum mandates an immediate 30-percent seduction in office managerial staff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    By the time the state finally moves to stop your illegal experiments with inebriated, machine-gun-wielding chimps, they'll find out it was a self-correcting problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars suggest that you keep your mouth shut next week when you lose a lot of money in your church's Pope John Paul II death pool.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While it's true that sometimes you have to let your friends make their own mistakes, you should really know better than to let them have tedious, unfulfilling sex with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mother Nature wants you to understand that, although she loves you very much and always will, it is time for you to move out of her house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be chained to a rock and tortured for eternity as punishment for stealing the secret of irresistibly flaky, gooey-sweet cinnamon rolls from the gods.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll set out to tell the tragic story of hopeless love among the beautiful and doomed, but your efforts will result in a full Broadway cast, a Bryan Adams ballad, and endless pages of heartfelt online fan-fiction.

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