Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

Top Headlines

Recent News

New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.

Ranking Women Somehow Not Issue In Miss USA Debacle

NEW YORK—As backlash against the Miss USA pageant continues to spread following controversial anti-immigration remarks made by the contest’s owner, Donald Trump, sources confirmed this week that the overt ranking of women is somehow not a part of the ongoing nationwide outrage.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Horoscope for the week of March 9, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be allowed one last transcendently happy, almost unbearably beautiful thought the moment before the red-hot fishhooks hit your groin.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although next Wednesday will be a Wednesday through and through, it will feel like a Thursday to you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It is written that in the midst of life we are all in death. That may be true, but in the midst of your own life, you'll actually still be at Circuit City.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your credibility will suffer when the local news runs footage of your burning pants suspended from telecommunications cables.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Lesions on the brain may sometimes lead to episodes of irrational violence, but yours just make you want to pound the face of country-music star Kenny Chesney against a cement wall until his eyes fall out of his head.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll experience a measured increase in workplace romance this week when a hastily-typed, company-wide memorandum mandates an immediate 30-percent seduction in office managerial staff.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    By the time the state finally moves to stop your illegal experiments with inebriated, machine-gun-wielding chimps, they'll find out it was a self-correcting problem.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The stars suggest that you keep your mouth shut next week when you lose a lot of money in your church's Pope John Paul II death pool.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    While it's true that sometimes you have to let your friends make their own mistakes, you should really know better than to let them have tedious, unfulfilling sex with you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Mother Nature wants you to understand that, although she loves you very much and always will, it is time for you to move out of her house.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be chained to a rock and tortured for eternity as punishment for stealing the secret of irresistibly flaky, gooey-sweet cinnamon rolls from the gods.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll set out to tell the tragic story of hopeless love among the beautiful and doomed, but your efforts will result in a full Broadway cast, a Bryan Adams ballad, and endless pages of heartfelt online fan-fiction.
Next Story