Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.