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Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.

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