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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.

More from this section

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

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