Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of May 1, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be torn between finishing your heating and air-conditioning degree and earning big money right away in the thriving HVAC field.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might be time to move your family to the inner city to avoid the ever-present dangers of the suburban west side.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Try to resolve your deep-seated issues with your body soon, because you're not going to be in it much longer.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will experience a late flash of insight when you realize the gentleman actually meant that a man named "Hu" was on first base.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A report published in the journal Nature hypothesizes that both genetics and social dynamics are to blame for you being such an asshole.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The controversy over the photo of you meeting Hitler will continue to rage in spite of the scissor cuts, the Scotch tape, and the fact that your half is in color.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Disappointment will continue to haunt you in the form of the watery, weak stuff some dare to call "hot" salsa.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Studies find that nursing-home residents with children are happier and more at peace than those without. In 43 years, you will be a notable exception.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though it's hardly your fault, you'll be despised by children around the world when Santa's desiccated corpse is found stuck in your chimney.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will soon come under heavy criticism for the lack of minority representation in your record collection.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It does not benefit you to continue producing, directing, and starring in your own cooking show years after it last aired.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    A Japanese fishing boat will catch you off the Philippine coast this week, astonishing scientists who thought you'd been extinct since the Pleistocene era.