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Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.

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