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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.

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