Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.