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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.
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