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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of May 10, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The opening of your soul's mystic Third Eye will be accompanied by the sprouting of your head's fourth through eleventh eyes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The power of mythology extends to your private life this Mother's Day when you find yourself facing the ancient mother-maiden-crone archetype across the dinner table.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The combination of Mercury and Uranus in your sign is the reason your favorite team never gets past the first round of the NHL playoffs.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're confident your parents love you just as much as their real children, they've gone to the papers with a different story.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The people who want you to stop your infantile behavior are just jealous of all the breastfeeding you're getting.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's true that you've got your whole life ahead of you, remember that the term "life" is not duration-specific.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will undergo an almost magical sea-change into something rotten that is scavenged by carrion-eating crabs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you're sure the punchline is something like, "Superman, you're a mean drunk," you'll be damned if you can remember the whole joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an especially good week for your creative side, which is mostly centered on snow-globe collecting.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will begin to suspect they're "on to you" about 20 years too late.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life will lose direction when the manager calls in sick.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The realization that life is a tale told by an idiot comes as a great consolation to you and all the other idiots.

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