adBlockCheck

Recent News

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be pressured to resign as chairman of the board of directors when it comes to light that you are, in fact, absolutely terrible at sitting at the head of really long tables.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You thought it was only people in movies that were tied to railroad tracks by mustachioed villains, but your upcoming experience on Walt Disney World's monorail will prove otherwise.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll find yourself simultaneously at the heart of a legal tangle and the burn ward when you finally get the opportunity to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All your old problems will dissolve when you're forced to confront what's really important, namely explosive botulism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After Wednesday, you can say you've seen everything. Unfortunately, you'll have seen it from such a distance that you won't be able to make out the details.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone takes a while to adjust to new surroundings, but unfortunately, you only have eight minutes before the fissure begins to fill with magma.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Magritte says the mind loves images whose meaning is unknown, as the mind itself is unknown; but you actually think it's mostly about threesomes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You believed being stranded on that desert island put an end to your run of lousy luck, but the natives will soon become strangely inspired and fashion a crude bus to hit you with.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll start waking covered in bruises on a variety of 12th- through 16th-floor exterior ledges, proving once and for all that you shouldn't piss off your city's powerful pigeon lobby.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you're exceptionally well-lit, but you're becoming tired of being followed around by a crew of technicians and their array of floods, pin-spots, and reflectors.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's been six months since you walked in and set up the tent, and the owners are considering changing the sign to All You Can Eat In One Sitting, Not Over The Course Of Your Lifetime.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close