Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

Top Headlines

Recent News

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Business

Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section caused your tragic crash into that shopping mall.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be pressured to resign as chairman of the board of directors when it comes to light that you are, in fact, absolutely terrible at sitting at the head of really long tables.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You thought it was only people in movies that were tied to railroad tracks by mustachioed villains, but your upcoming experience on Walt Disney World's monorail will prove otherwise.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll find yourself simultaneously at the heart of a legal tangle and the burn ward when you finally get the opportunity to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    All your old problems will dissolve when you're forced to confront what's really important, namely explosive botulism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After Wednesday, you can say you've seen everything. Unfortunately, you'll have seen it from such a distance that you won't be able to make out the details.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Everyone takes a while to adjust to new surroundings, but unfortunately, you only have eight minutes before the fissure begins to fill with magma.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Magritte says the mind loves images whose meaning is unknown, as the mind itself is unknown; but you actually think it's mostly about threesomes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You believed being stranded on that desert island put an end to your run of lousy luck, but the natives will soon become strangely inspired and fashion a crude bus to hit you with.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll start waking covered in bruises on a variety of 12th- through 16th-floor exterior ledges, proving once and for all that you shouldn't piss off your city's powerful pigeon lobby.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you're exceptionally well-lit, but you're becoming tired of being followed around by a crew of technicians and their array of floods, pin-spots, and reflectors.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's been six months since you walked in and set up the tent, and the owners are considering changing the sign to All You Can Eat In One Sitting, Not Over The Course Of Your Lifetime.