adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of May 12, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of May 12, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars thank you for your submission, but, regrettably, they have no need for your "Pisces Is Nisces!" slogan at this time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close