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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars thank you for your submission, but, regrettably, they have no need for your "Pisces Is Nisces!" slogan at this time.
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