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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 1999

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will soon be surrounded by medical personnel saying things like "Tzaarp!" "Ka-Blishzzht!" and "Flazzort!" in an effort to describe the sound of your body hitting the high-tension lines.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're the kind of person who likes to have the right tool for the job, so don’t be caught without a complete set of dental picks this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will undergo an identity crisis when God claims that your name "just doesn’t sound right" and changes it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will suddenly find yourself in mid-November with a sign reading, "Six Months Later..." floating over your head.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Beware: Charlatans will try to pass off a bunch of vague generalizations as predictions of your future. Don’t trust them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon receive a big fat cashier’s check. Of course, this happens every two weeks, as you are a big fat cashier.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You always thought choosing the right robot would be an easy task... until the task fell to you.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Frankly, the stars don’t understand what your problem is with calamari. So what if it’s tentacles? It's delicious! Eat it already!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A drunken run-in with an angry northwoods lumberjack ends in your being mortally wounded by his scathing put-downs and acid wit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Today is not, in fact, the first day of the rest of your life. That was a few weeks ago. Today is Wednesday.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The planet Uranus rises in your sign and wants to know what you find so damn funny about the name Uranus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars thank you for your submission, but, regrettably, they have no need for your "Pisces Is Nisces!" slogan at this time.

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