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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 2004

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars do indeed hold the wisdom of the cosmos and the secrets of creation, but few realize that they also hold the hottest after-parties.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not sure that mandatory drug testing is constitutional, but, that said, you're willing to give them a try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you've been a problem in your community for years, and not one athlete has done crap for you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's hard to tell someone who's always been there for you that you're no longer in love with him, but that's why you'll hire a publicist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stop telling people you have a "unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The extreme weather conditions of next week will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll soon find love with someone whose indifference, lack of self-respect, and ability to suspend disbelief are perfect for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career is going so well that at this rate, there might not be any nurses left alive in six years.

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