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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars do indeed hold the wisdom of the cosmos and the secrets of creation, but few realize that they also hold the hottest after-parties.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not sure that mandatory drug testing is constitutional, but, that said, you're willing to give them a try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you've been a problem in your community for years, and not one athlete has done crap for you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's hard to tell someone who's always been there for you that you're no longer in love with him, but that's why you'll hire a publicist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stop telling people you have a "unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The extreme weather conditions of next week will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll soon find love with someone whose indifference, lack of self-respect, and ability to suspend disbelief are perfect for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career is going so well that at this rate, there might not be any nurses left alive in six years.

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