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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 2004

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Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of May 12, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Interior decorators claim that only about 18 inches of space is needed for people to pass between furnishings, but that was before they got a load of you.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars do indeed hold the wisdom of the cosmos and the secrets of creation, but few realize that they also hold the hottest after-parties.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The more you think about it, the more you like the idea of having 12 young men dance around you at all times—as long as it's tastefully done.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your emotional stasis, lack of imagination, and inability to tell right from wrong will continue to be valuable assets in the world of high finance.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You're not sure that mandatory drug testing is constitutional, but, that said, you're willing to give them a try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Professional athletes often help out in their communities, but you've been a problem in your community for years, and not one athlete has done crap for you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll disprove the old chestnut about nice guys finishing last by losing consistently while being a gigantic prick.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It's hard to tell someone who's always been there for you that you're no longer in love with him, but that's why you'll hire a publicist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Stop telling people you have a "unique vision for America." Many producers of big-time Hollywood musicals had the same unique vision before you did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The extreme weather conditions of next week will be hard on infants, the elderly, and you, a person who displays the worst qualities of both.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll soon find love with someone whose indifference, lack of self-respect, and ability to suspend disbelief are perfect for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your career is going so well that at this rate, there might not be any nurses left alive in six years.

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