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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.

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