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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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