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Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.

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