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Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.

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