Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION