Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 18

Evil Genius' Cat Subpoenaed

WASHINGTON, DC–Esmerelda, the fluffy white Persian cat owned by evil genius Dr. Kronos, was subpoenaed Monday to testify regarding the alleged subterranean activities of Kronos. "The cat in question will be asked what she knows about Kronos' trafficking of plutonium across international borders, as well his construction of a massive undersea lair beneath the Pacific Ocean and the creation of an electro-pulse ray that can cause entire city populations to collapse of a seizure." In exchange for her testimony, Esmerelda will be granted full immunity, as well as a tin of Liverpool kippers served in a crystal goblet, precisely as she likes.

Résumé Accidentally Kept On File

CHICAGO–In a blunder being attributed to "clerical oversight," the Chicago ad agency of Meacham & Braun accidentally kept the résumé of recent University of Illinois graduate Chris DiMaio on file Monday. "We regret the inadvertent fulfillment of our promise to Mr. DiMaio to retain his résumé for future reference should a position that suits him become available at Meacham & Braun," said agency director Thomas Graydon. "As a result of this error, we are investigating our résumé-processing system and are confident that future résumés remitted to us, with the exception of those few that impress us, will be disposed of surreptitiously while we pacify the applicant with platitudes."

Motor Trend Car Of Year Stripped Of Title After Appearing As Hot Rod Centerfold

NEW YORK–Motor Trend magazine stripped the 1998 Chevrolet Corvette of its "Car Of The Year" title following the sportscar's appearance as Hot Rod magazine's June centerfold. "The Corvette has conducted itself in a manner unbecoming of a Motor Trend Car Of The Year," Motor Trend editor-in-chief Paul Brookman said, "and we can no longer in good conscience allow this automobile to represent the crown." Car Of The Year first runner-up, the 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix, will take the Corvette's place.

Senate Committee Links Child Poverty To Lack Of Child Jobs

WASHINGTON, DC–The Senate Select Committee On Child Poverty released a report Monday attributing the large number of American children living below the poverty line to a lack of child jobs. "If you want to know why 14 million children in this country are living in poverty, all you have to do is take a look at the U.S. child-unemployment rate–it currently stands at 99 percent," said committee chair Sen. Thad Cochran (R-MS). "If we are to have any chance of fighting child hunger, illiteracy and illness, we need to get these kids back on their feet and working again."

Free Needles To Drug Users?

President Clinton recently voiced strong opposition to a proposal to distribute free needles to heroin users to fight the spread of AIDS, claiming that such a plan would only encourage drug use. What do you think?

Couple Upstairs Going At It Again

BROOKLYN, NY–For the ninth time in as many hours, the couple upstairs went at it yet again at 4 a.m. Tuesday, hammering away at one another in an impressive display of sexual stamina and tenacity, apartment-directly-below sources said.

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

Horoscope for the week of May 13, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your pride in being a self-made man will be shattered when top scientists at Texas Instruments announce that they built you out of calculator parts.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be thanked profusely by Fox newscasters when live footage of your self-immolation wins them an Emmy.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will earn the hatred of scientists worldwide when a team of creationists uses you to definitively disprove the theory of evolution.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will run afoul of the Old Testament deity Yahweh, when, after a long masturbation session in which your right hand repeatedly offends you, you fail to cut it off.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars wish to counsel you this week in matters involving the female gender. Though they do not actually know, they have often been told that a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though you did not previously believe it to be possible, you will actually fall in the esteem of others this week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your belief in the intrinsic fairness of the universe will be restored this week when your job is given to a much smarter, more ambitious, and better qualified person.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You achieve a kind of celebrity this week when, during your first summer trip to the beach, hundreds are killed while fleeing the corpselike pallor of your mountainous thighs.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    After years of fruitless worldwide searching, you are finally forced to admit that you cannot find a better beer than Special Export.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The government of Canada will honor you this week by engraving the words "Mountie Lover" on your tombstone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The stars indicate that the universe is expanding at a constant rate.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be denied admission to Heaven due to your poor phone manners.
Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More