Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.
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