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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.

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