Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 18

Ass-Kisser Promoted

PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis.

Study: Uneducated Outbreeding Intelligentsia 2-To-1

CHICAGO—In a report with dire implications for the intellectual future of America, a University of Chicago study revealed Monday that the nation's uneducated are breeding twice as fast and twice as often as its educated. "The average member of the American underclass spawns at age 15, compared to age 30 for the average college-educated professional," study leader Kenneth Stalls said. "America's intellectual elite, as a result, are badly losing the genetic marathon, with two generations of dullards born for every one generation of cultured literates." Added Stalls: "At this rate, by the year 2100 there will be five smart people on Earth, swallowed whole by more than 12 billion mouth-breathers incapable of understanding the binary exponentiation that swamped the Earth with their like." High-school dropout Mandi Drucker, 16, said of the findings, "All I know is, we're in love."

ABC Announces Ellen Will Come Out In Every Episode

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to maintain the stunning 36.2 rating for Ellen's recent coming-out episode, ABC announced Monday that the show's main character will discover that she is a lesbian on every future episode of the show. "We don't want to give too much away," said ABC programming VP Fred Gamble, "but Ellen is going to make a shocking announcement this Wednesday. And every Wednesday after that."

Scientists Discover Perfect Little Out-Of-The-Way Place

CAMBRIDGE, MA—After years spent carefully exploring virtually every eatery in the Boston area, MIT scientists announced Tuesday the discovery of the perfect little out-of-the-way place. "Verbal data collected from Mary Watkiss, a secretary in MIT's Physics Building, indicated the presence of a great new lunch cafe in the region of Fourth Street and Huron," said MIT team leader Dr. John Penrose. "Intrigued, we launched a probe into the structure. Within an hour, we received evidence of a $5.99 pasta primavera dish, a delicious caesar's salad with homemade bleu cheese dressing, and a light, flaky raspberry torte." In the wake of the discovery, a manned mission of 10 scientists will voyage to the cafe Wednesday to collect actual food samples and closely observe the eatery's stylish, relaxed interior, which feels more spacious than it is. In honor of the secretary who made the discovery, MIT has named the new eatery "Watkiss Alpha Prime," despite the insistence of the cafe's manager that the establishment is already named "Salads 'n' More."

Secretary Of Education Under Investigation For Falsifying Hall Passes

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, U.S. Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) called for a special investigative panel to look into allegations that U.S. Secretary of Education Richard Riley forged hall passes for personal use. "Riley occupies the most powerful position in American education and has almost unlimited access to the nation's book of passes," D'Amato said. "We are determined to find out whether he has been faking signatures on hall passes to go to the bathroom and use the snack machines whenever he wants, maintaining the illusion of permission." If found guilty, Riley could face suspension and be called in, along with his parents, for a meeting with President Clinton.

Trouser Downsizing Threatens Raver Industry

NEW YORK—As trouser downsizing continues throughout the troubled economy and budget cuts threaten employees' pants security, many workers in legwear-based fields have come to fear the worst.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo

    Leo

    After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.
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