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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.

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