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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.

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