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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.

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