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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your recent feelings of worthlessness are rooted in your desire to help people. Go to the jailhouse and bail out a paperboy killer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your "exploding testicles" trick proves a surefire way to impress women, but you can only do it once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You can drag yourself out of the financial doldrums by investing in education. Teach the neighborhood kids to steal car stereos.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A momentary feeling of achievement and elation evaporates when you realize that you've lost sight of the red card.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After six months with no success, you finally realize that your "lost ferret" posters were not the most effective way to get a free ferret.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    After waking up sore and confused in the hospital, your doctor explains that "go pack your ass with sand" is only a figure of speech.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Treat yourself to a delicious plate of sauerkraut to celebrate your successful crossing of a busy street.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prove your belief that life is an unending tragedy by running a busload of orphans off a cliff.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Join the Army, then drive your uptight commanding officer nuts with your outrageous non-stop antics.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be lonely for all eternity because of your hideous face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After finally getting that cool new pair of Birkenstocks, you realize that they're just a stupid hippie fad.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Now is the perfect time to arrange a lunch date with singer Peabo Bryson.

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