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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.

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