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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.

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