Aries | March 21 to April 19
This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.
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