Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.


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