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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Horoscope for the week of May 14, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This is a time of deep personal reflection and introspection for you. Which, you have to admit, beats the hell out of looking for a job.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're a pretty drab, ordinary person, but that doesn't mean you should be settling for such drab, ordinary salads.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be knifed in the throat during an argument over which Mötley Crüe album is the most indispensable, leaving you as wrong as you are dead.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've long said that if the love of dozens of nurses is a crime, you are guilty. Now, however, it's time to get your opinion on their brutal murders.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be forgiven for your many sins after a $17.25 donation to your church, leaving you with the feeling that you should really commit some better sins.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your inhuman thirst for blood will finally be slaked this week, leaving you with just a normal, human thirst for blood.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra Music Quiz #42: Who sang the classic lyric "Come on, everybody, we're moving to Portland"?
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never lost sight of your childhood dreams of rainbow-colored pegasus-unicorns, which makes you a truly formidable geneticist.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Maybe it's because you're so baked, but you've watched that ad three dozen times, and you still can't figure out how marijuana got that girl pregnant.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Sometimes, the things you do just don't come out the way you want, especially when that gun-waving Phil Spector forces you to do it his way.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sure, you're dizzy, hot, and dehydrated, but think how much worse it would be if that clothes dryer didn't have a little window to look out of.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    After all these years, the world will finally acknowledge that it was you who turned the Beatles on to pot roast.

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