adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close