Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 18

Routine, Affordable Medical Procedure Put Off Another Year

WEBSTER GROVES, MO—Three years after being diagnosed with a benign rectal polyp, Webster Groves resident William Schraft continues to put off its removal, insisting that there is no need to undergo the routine, affordable procedure right this minute. "The doctor said it was benign, so what's the big rush?" the 54-year-old Schraft said Monday. "I can barely feel it most days anyway. It's probably shrinking."

Producer Wants To Call Movie Crime And Punishment Anyway

LOS ANGELES—Upon learning that the title has already been taken, Hollywood producer Andrew Shuler announced Monday that he wants to call his upcoming Universal Pictures police thriller Crime And Punishment anyway. "There is?" said Shuler, moments after being told of the classic Fyodor Dostoyevsky novel that shares its name with his upcoming Val Kilmer-Wesley Snipes vehicle. "I don't really see that as a problem. What 18- to 34-year-old has ever heard of that?" Shuler said he is confident he will be able to "buy out this Russian guy."

Christian Weightlifter Bends Iron Bar To Show Power Of God's Love

TULSA, OK—Before 11,000 attendees at a "He Is Risen Rally" at Mabee Center, Christian weightlifter Michael Brighton bent a two-inch-thick iron bar Monday, clearly demonstrating the power of God's love within the heart and body of His followers. "Do you see the power of faith and belief?" said the 255-pound Brighton following the impressive feat of spiritual prowess. "Only a strong personal relationship with my Creator could have made this possible." Brighton went on to demonstrate God's hatred of ice blocks and wooden boards.

Burglary Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery

Judging from the look on your face, I'm guessing you're offended. But please don't take my presence here in your home as a personal affront. When I sneaked into your home under cover of darkness after disarming your security system, feeding the guard dogs a sedative, and climbing to the second-story window with a grappling hook and rope, I never intended to insult you. In fact, my intention was just the opposite. I mean, what is burglary, after all, if not the sincerest form of flattery?

Woman Forced To Converse Awkwardly With Bank-Promotion Clown

AUGUSTA, ME—While waiting to meet with a Kennebec Savings Bank mortgage officer Monday, Danielle Smales, 34, was forced to make stilted conversation with Thrifty The Banking Clown. "Just waiting for a meeting," Smales told the brochure-wielding promotional clown. "No, thanks. I don't really need Platinum checking." Though Smales managed to briefly steer the conversation toward the weather, a majority of the eight-minute chat centered on the importance of a sensible IRA, the convenience of online banking at KennebecSavings.com, and the great introductory rates available with a Kennebec Savings Visa card.
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Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.
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