Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

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Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.