Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION