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Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of May 15, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your desire for a belt of human nipples wanes when you are told where human nipples come from.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If it makes you feel any better, red to you is not red to everyone else. Other people's red is slightly deeper and more tasteful.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've never asked for much out of life, but you have every reason to be disappointed, anyway.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    An unexpected career change will give you cause to look back fondly on the days when you had no idea who made fat-granny pornography.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Most people believe they're the star of their own story, but you're actually a supporting character in the story of that guy Dave in the design department.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Everyone wants to live forever, but in your case it would just mean more time being chased by an angry swarm of bees.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're not actually the lost prince of a world within our own, forced to hide among the surface dwellers to protect yourself from your vengeful uncle. But thinking that may help you somewhat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The age-old war between the sexes will come to an end next week when you unleash your nuclear sex bomb.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    If you think happy endings are superficial and unrealistic, you should be pleased with the way it all wraps up next Thursday.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The wonder is not how well the bear dances, but that it can dance at all. Still, the bear dances a hell of a lot better than you do.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will devise a scheme that guarantees worldwide peace and prosperity, but it turns out to be unmarketable.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Lord knows you've tried, but you still can't understand how one person could watch all the high-quality TV they offer.

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