Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 18

Five-Year-Old Convinced Dinosaur Bones Are Buried In Backyard

TACOMA, WA–Amateur archaeologist Joshua Bushnell, 5, announced Monday that he is certain that the remains of a dinosaur are buried in the Bushnell family backyard. "I have to dig up the bones to get them to the museum," Bushnell told his mother, Kathy Bushnell. "There's a big brontosaurus by the swingset." Bushnell has asked his mother to buy him a new digging tool that is larger than his plastic Fisher-Price sand shovel.

New Partially Digested Doritos Eliminate Tedious Chewing

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Frito-Lay unveiled "Doritos Soft," an exciting new partially digested version of the popular snack chip. "Now the great taste of Doritos comes pre-digested, so you don't have to," an upcoming print ad for the product read. "Packed with the same gastric enzymes you yourself secrete, Doritos Soft blasts that awesome nacho taste straight to your large intestine, 'cuz you're too biz-zay for chewin'!" The new product arrives in the wake of the success of Mountain Dew Gold, a soft drink that is 40 percent urine.

Villagers Turned Into Crack Fighting Squad Overnight

SILVER GULCH, NV–The good, God-fearing people of Silver Gulch, a sleepy frontier town known primarily for its pleasant annual Founder's Festival and Ma Beasley's delicious pies, expertly fended off Boss Cafferty's armed goons following their overnight transformation into a crack fighting squad Sunday. "Those gun-slinging prairie pirates were no match for little Molly O'Shea and her tater skillet!" town miller Pete Johnson whooped after the estimated two dozen heavily armed thugs were driven from Main Street. "And anyone who tries to muscle in on Silver Gulch's diamond mine can expect the same!" Johnson and his fellow townsfolk were whipped into fighting shape by reformed outlaw Bart "Three Finger" Hoskins during a seven-minute montage sequence.

Archangels Already Sick Of Cardinal O'Connor Telling Them How They Do It In New York

HEAVEN–Less than two weeks after his passage into God's Eternal Kingdom, Cardinal John O'Connor is already irritating the Archangels with his constant talk of Heaven's lack of facilities, culture, and cosmopolitanism compared to New York City, his former place of residence. "He doesn't complain about the manna, per se, but he won't let us forget that you can't find a decent Italian restaurant open around here after 11 p.m.," Archangel Gabriel said Monday. "We're also well aware that the Lord's Heavenly Choir doesn't hold a candle to the New York Choral Society, whose recent performance of Verdi's Requiem at Carnegie Hall was far better than anything the Cardinal ever expects to hear around here."

So My Readers Wish Me Dead

I am informed by The Onion Editorial Board that the mountain of mail calling for my death is increasing once again. This is nothing new, as it becomes fashionable to lust for the death of T. Herman Zweibel when-ever the Swiss economy is running smoothly. It does not pay to anger the Gnomes of Zurich!

That Teen-Abstinence Rally Totally Rocked!

Wow, what a weekend! They say that part of being a teenager is knowing how to cut loose, and there's nothing quite like getting together with a big group of your peers and just "letting it rip." That teen-abstinence rally totally rocked!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Originality

Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.
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