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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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