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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

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Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.

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