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Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of May 17, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your death will not be in vain, as it will give the hero a chance to say, "Now, that's what I call using your head."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though many people say that you are an all-around decent guy, that's only what they say to your face.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You are about to become a small but important player in the exciting game of organ donation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A stranger approaches you, tells you that your fear of people reading your mind is baseless, and levitates away.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The opening of your soul's seven mystic portals will excite you less than the opening of the new Gap Kids store.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though it's the sign of the virgin, Virgo would like you to know that it is, in fact, experienced. It's just choosy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your loneliness, isolation, and near-suicidal depression will continue for another six months, causing you to get used to it and actually miss it when it finally goes away.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of your community when you harness the power of your chi to eat a 60-ounce steak in less than an hour.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is an excellent week for your creative side, spelling doom for your promising career in marketing.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You suspect that someone is trying to tell you something when your telephone emits an intermittent ringing tone.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will make the right choice between a rich, fulfilling social life and rich, filling desserts.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will nearly die of outrage when you see the bottom-feeding losers who made People's list of America's 100 Most Eligible Bachelors.

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