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Horoscope for the week of May 18, 2005

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of May 18, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not that anyone asked you, but if you were designing the world's biggest jetliner, you would've put some sort of flat surface under the passenger cabin, for people to stand on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    By this time next week, you'll be suffering from altitude sickness, in danger of being arrested by the Bolivian government, and freshly divorced—all thanks to a bar bet you'll sorely regret having made.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren't just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it's why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be proud of it, but it might not be such a good thing that you've earned an Emmy for Outstanding Participation in Television Consumption.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you'd only learned to exercise patience, those caterpillars you've been vomiting up all week would've had a chance to become lovely stomach butterflies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be well along the path to a lifetime of happiness when the rap-metal single you cut in 1997 resurfaces.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be reported missing in Afghanistan this week, which just goes to show how far you're willing to go to avoid calling Greg back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All right, Scorpio is going to say this for the last fucking time: With an apostrophe, it means "it is" and without an apostrophe, it means "belonging to it." This is really not that hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've been struggling to find a way to tell that special someone you love her, so keep in mind that someone of your species usually displays his tail plumage and excretes musk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Certainly, the praying mantis is a fearsome-looking creature, but up until this week, you never imagined what thousands of them working together could do to an infant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Those who don't remember the past are, of course, doomed to repeat it, which is exactly why you drink until you lose your memory every single Thursday.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee a lot of sorrow and tribulation in your life that, when viewed from their distant stellar perspective, seems insignificant and barely worth mentioning.

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