Horoscope for the week of May 18, 2005

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Horoscope for the week of May 18, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Not that anyone asked you, but if you were designing the world's biggest jetliner, you would've put some sort of flat surface under the passenger cabin, for people to stand on.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    By this time next week, you'll be suffering from altitude sickness, in danger of being arrested by the Bolivian government, and freshly divorced—all thanks to a bar bet you'll sorely regret having made.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren't just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it's why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be proud of it, but it might not be such a good thing that you've earned an Emmy for Outstanding Participation in Television Consumption.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you'd only learned to exercise patience, those caterpillars you've been vomiting up all week would've had a chance to become lovely stomach butterflies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll be well along the path to a lifetime of happiness when the rap-metal single you cut in 1997 resurfaces.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be reported missing in Afghanistan this week, which just goes to show how far you're willing to go to avoid calling Greg back.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    All right, Scorpio is going to say this for the last fucking time: With an apostrophe, it means "it is" and without an apostrophe, it means "belonging to it." This is really not that hard.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've been struggling to find a way to tell that special someone you love her, so keep in mind that someone of your species usually displays his tail plumage and excretes musk.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Certainly, the praying mantis is a fearsome-looking creature, but up until this week, you never imagined what thousands of them working together could do to an infant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Those who don't remember the past are, of course, doomed to repeat it, which is exactly why you drink until you lose your memory every single Thursday.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foresee a lot of sorrow and tribulation in your life that, when viewed from their distant stellar perspective, seems insignificant and barely worth mentioning.