Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.


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