Aries | March 21 to April 19
Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.
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