Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 19

Painful Boil Still Too Unformed To Lance

BILLINGS, MT—A throbbing boil on the neck of Art Krenchicki is not quite ready for lancing, the 47-year-old Billings man reported Monday. "Just a couple more days, and it'll be all set," said Krenchicki, studying the inflamed, pus-filled swelling. "You can't lance them too soon, or they take even longer to heal."

Area Woman Has Already Figured Out Who Killed The Vicar

GREENSBORO, NC—Only three chapters into the Barbara Nelson Scott mystery thriller All Saints' Day, reader Mary Toback has already deduced the killer of Father Blaine, the Vicar of St. Mary's of Glasgow, it was reported Tuesday. "The angle of the stabs was consistent with a left-handed assailant," Toback told reporters. "And if you note the description of Bishop Argyll's desk on page 22, his quills are kept to the left of the writing tablet as he faces the desk." Toback did not need to remind reporters that Argyll stands to benefit more than anyone from the appointment of MacGregor as the new Vicar.

Local Man Puts Rehab Behind Him

SAN FRANCISCO—After a harrowing three-year battle with drug-addiction recovery, area resident Scott Fedorisko finally put rehab behind him Monday. "It's been a long and hellish road, but I'm happy to say that, once again, I'm off the life and high on drugs," said Fedorisko, tapping a heroin-filled syringe. "At last, I have put my dark days of recovery behind me and can now look forward to many years of substance-dependent bliss."

Dean Cain Fanpage Last Updated 8/14/96

MONROE, MI—The Monroe-based "I Love Dean Cain" website, dedicated to providing up-to-the-minute information on actor Dean Cain, was last updated in August 1996, sources reported Monday. "Keep this page bookmarked and come back soon for the very latest Dean Cain news!" the page urged visitors. "Coming next week: A very special preview of the Lois & Clark season premiere!!!!" Due to the lack of updating, it is not known whether Cain's favorite film is still The Princess Bride. The current status of his three dogs—Jay, Bosco and Mocha—is also undetermined.

Milosevic Dreams He's Slaughtering Ethnic Albanians In His Underwear

BELGRADE, YUGOSLAVIA—In an incident he described as "really freaky," Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic dreamed he was ordering the slaughter of tens of thousands of Kosovars while clad only in his underwear Tuesday. "Everything in the dream was totally normal, except, for some reason, I wasn't wearing any clothes," Milosevic said. "At one point, I was trying to think of a way to excuse myself to go home and get dressed, but I had to stay and order the mass execution of 2,400 villagers in the border town of Podujevo." Last Friday, Milosevic dreamed he was taking an exam with U.S. envoy Richard Holbrooke on a mound of bodies near the Macedonian border.

Booked Solid

I'm such an expert at procrastination, I finally got around to making my 1999 New Year's Resolution last week! But once you hear it, you'll forgive me, because this resolution is a real doozy!

Gore Excited After Seeing Self On TV

WASHINGTON, DC—Hours after seeing himself at the funeral of King Gustaf III of Denmark on ABC World News Tonight, an excited Al Gore called friends and family Monday to ask if they saw the televised report. "Did you see me on the news?" the vice-president asked friend Jonathan Gantner. "Peter Jennings was talking about the funeral, and then they showed Albright, and, for like five seconds, you could see me standing behind her. It was so awesome." Gore is reportedly asking around to see if anyone taped the program.

Too Many Plutocrats

I am tired of complicated things happening in my life. It means I am obliged to explain them in the next week's Message, and that I must not forget them as any decent man in the final stages of advanced senility would.

Star Wars Mania

The top-grossing movie series in history, the Star Wars saga continues this week with the long-awaited release of Episode I--The Phantom Menace. What are the reasons for the films' enormous, enduring appeal?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
  • Leo

    Leo

    Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.
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