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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.

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