adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close