Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything you attempt this week will end in failure, which is a considerable improvement over that one week last year when everything ended in multiple births.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be unable to have anything more than a simple Platonic relationship, so long as you resemble a simple Platonic solid.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You have always believed that love and compassion can heal all of life’s wounds, but that was before you were decapitated.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The man on TV said acid would corrupt America’s youth. But according to your experiences and observations, he must have meant “corrode.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Hint: When people ask you to stop doing that one thing you do, they generally mean your whole life.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon leave this world the way you entered it: screaming in the backseat of a blood-soaked taxi.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will find proof of your crackpot theory that the phone company controls all the phones.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Mercury rising in Scorpio indicates that you will soon rent Mercury Rising.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    God appears to you and says that, although He doesn’t mind you using His name in vain, He strongly objects to your using it to get into nightclubs.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Never doubt that the stars control your destiny. After all, you certainly don’t.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It’s high time you made a contribution to society. Leave a bag of unwanted canned goods at its service entrance.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Upon unearthing your well-preserved remains, future archaeologists will be overjoyed that they didn’t live now.
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