Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

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Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your confusing the Spanish words "abogado" and "bodega" will lead to your having the worst legal counsel in Mexico next week.