Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign
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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your confusing the Spanish words "abogado" and "bodega" will lead to your having the worst legal counsel in Mexico next week.


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