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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of May 19, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your insistence that no one can possibly know how you feel right now will only point out how pathetic it is to be dumped by three bearded ladies in a row.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It will be difficult to explain why you thought the guard dogs would make an exception for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There is indeed a secret to happiness in life, but you mustn't assume that it's the kind of secret that would make you happier if you knew it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Even the people who love you most call you cold and unapproachable, but that's the price you pay for being the north face of the Eiger.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've never been the type of person who can be bound by society's silly rules, which is why they use all those silly ropes and chains.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The weather will be fairly nice this Saturday, but trust us, that won't be what they'll be talking about in the news.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The black widow spider does not have the most powerful venom of any spider in the world, but it's still going to do quite a number on your legs.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Once again, your alma mater refuses to honor your achievements, instead toasting some guy who won something called the Pulitzer Prize.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say there's nothing new under the sun, so it'll come as no surprise when this week turns out to be exactly like the third week of July 1997.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You'll be ridiculed by your fellow citizens for merely standing on the street corner and shouting at the top of your lungs that the world is evil.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Not everyone finds the kind of love they want. Then again, so far, no one has had to settle for you, either.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your confusing the Spanish words "abogado" and "bodega" will lead to your having the worst legal counsel in Mexico next week.

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