Aries | March 21 to April 19
You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."
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