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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."

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