Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."