Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."


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