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Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of May 2, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You tend to fly into a rage over the smallest problems. Fortunately, you'll encounter only huge disasters this week.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Sun Tzu said that victory without conflict is the ultimate success for any general. That said, be prepared to lose a bloody battle with your weight.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    What you're feeling now hurts, there's no denying that. But try to remember that, when he died, Joey Ramone was writing songs about his stock portfolio.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You tend to hate and fear that which you do not understand. But since you're such a big genius, your hatred and fear of soap must come from some other source, Mr. Stinky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This week, you will find that, contrary to popular belief, the unexamined life is quite worth living.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Sometimes, you have to do things you just don't want to do. Try to figure out a way not to do these things.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The problem with people like you isn't that you love too much. It's what you love that gets you brought up on charges.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some entertaining, tightly wound psychoses in there, too.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    To answer your repeated queries: Yes, the stars can see your house from up here.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts will be made to compare thee to a summer's day, but after the part about the temperature being 98.6º, the metaphor breaks down.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be reincarnated as a being whose status is commensurate with your behavior in your last life. Enjoy governing Texas, you nurse-murdering bastard.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember: Just because you read it in a book doesn't mean it's true. There's no such thing as a "John Updike."

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