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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.
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