adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close