Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.