adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 20, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close