Aries | March 21 to April 19
Everything will go well for you this week until Thursday, when a starving elephant smells the peanut-butter sandwich in your stomach.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will return home early from a hard day at work to discover that your children have been cheating on you with a different set of parents.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Mars transversing the Twins indicates that the stars are very, very disappointed in you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This week shall be trying and fraught with peril. Take heart from a past life, in which you were a servile, sycophantic file clerk for Edward III.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
In a strange twist of fate, you will notice that your life is beginning to follow the plot of Battle Beyond The Stars, starring George Peppard as Cowboy.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars have discovered the cause of your ongoing string of heart attacks: Your heart has conspired with your wife to kill you and retire to France with the insurance money.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will need extra soft drinks around the house this week, as being hunted for your scalp by mutant hunter-chimps from an alternate future is thirsty work.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Cheer up: Though this week will not go as you had planned, setting a world's record for quickest death by leprosy will make you a household name.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After careful consideration of your case, Sagittarius has decided you are not the sort of person it is looking for.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Venus in your sign indicates that, due to your extreme vanity, you probably think this horoscope is about you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will experience bizarre "waking dreams" in which you are plodding hopelessly through a dreary life.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The Fates counsel you that things could be worse. However, they are lying in order to spare your feelings.
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