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Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

Texas To Execute Death Row Inmates With New 3-Drug Molotov Cocktail

HUNTSVILLE, TX—In response to a nationwide shortage of the chemicals conventionally used to carry out capital punishment, officials from the Texas Department of Criminal Justice announced Friday that the state would begin executing death row inmates with an experimental new three-drug Molotov cocktail.

Christ Does Soft Return To Gauge Interest

TOPEKA, KS—Descending from on high to gather valuable data on His followers’ preferences, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was said to be conducting a soft return this week in hopes of gauging interest in His Second Coming.

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never set yourself up as any kind of role model, which is a good thing for all those kids who want to be popular and interesting.

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