Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never set yourself up as any kind of role model, which is a good thing for all those kids who want to be popular and interesting.
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