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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never set yourself up as any kind of role model, which is a good thing for all those kids who want to be popular and interesting.

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