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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of May 21, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Smuggling yourself across the border hidden in a truckload of radishes would have worked, had you been able to control your insatiable appetite for radishes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    If there's one thing you should try to learn from next week's events, it's the precise melting point of aluminum.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    While it's true you're not a salmon, there's really no reason you shouldn't at least try swimming upriver to spawn.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Between the drug money, blood money, and hush money, it's a wonder you have anything left to spend on sex.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a rotten week for romance in the office, which is too bad, as you are self-employed and work from home.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A last-minute pardon from the governor will spare your life, strangely punctuating what, up until then, had been an uneventful night of TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Never in your wildest notary-public dreams did you think the job would involve so little wanton sexuality.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    This week proves the adage that the race does not always go to the swift, but to the promoter and concession holder.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're not the type of person who looks for a certain physical type in a mate, mostly because you have a seven-person staff to do that for you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You tell everyone that your belief in Jesus helped you win your long battle with alcoholism, but, really, the whole thing only lasted three days.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You know they've had their setbacks, but you're starting to wonder if the members of Queen are ever going to make good on their promise to rock you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've never set yourself up as any kind of role model, which is a good thing for all those kids who want to be popular and interesting.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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