Horoscope for the week of May 22, 2002

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of May 22, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.


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