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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of May 22, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.

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