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Horoscope for the week of May 22, 2002

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Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Horoscope for the week of May 22, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The gods will punish you for your hubris and arrogance by introducing you to someone who makes richer, creamier mashed potatoes than you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've been through a lot of trying times in your life, but one of the hardest to get over will be the day you learn that Jar-Jar is now a senator.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    As you look back on your life as a squirrel, your only regret is that you let others discourage you from pursuing your dream of waterskiing professionally.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars foresee profound changes ahead for Libra, but they insist on describing them in vague, non-specific terms.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As the June issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your fear of being assassinated is groundless. Important figures are assassinated; you will be beaten to death with a rake behind the Safeway.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've tried and tried, but there seems to be no way for you to safely extricate yourself from the welded-on one-man-band outfit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Advocates for the homeless will soon make you a very tempting membership offer
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You can't, for the life of you, understand why nobody sees through Drew Barrymore's obvious façade.

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