Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.


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