adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Satisfaction

Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close