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Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

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What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
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Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.

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