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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.

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