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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of May 24, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Narrow-mindedness and jealousy on the part of your coworkers will lead them to denounce your neckties.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    All of your hard work and planning will come to nothing if you don't remember to wipe your prints off the tire iron.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Even the mighty Ozymandias was brought low by time. If possible, live your life without this mysterious phenomenon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Cancer and the StarCrab logo are the property of Zodiacorp Enterprises and may not be used without the company's express written permission.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though you appreciate the undergarment-related efforts of Inspector 12, it's unsettling when her little sticker starts showing up all over your house.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your attempt to revolutionize the world of art backfires when you realize that people have been photographing naked ladies for years.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your outgoing nature, sweet temperament, and love of family are in no way evident outside of your description as a Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you've tried to impose your full will upon them, you still lack control over the inhabitants of your aquarium.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's not true that no one hears your cries for help. They hear and ignore your cries for help.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your plan to put on a fun dance show to raise money will save your financially threatened strip club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is strong in your sign this week. You know, if there were such a thing as shit magick, it'd probably be pretty strong in your sign, too.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true that Pisces is a water sign, but that won't help you survive the crushing black depths of the Marianas Trench.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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