Horoscope for the week of May 25, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 21

Former Addict Celebrates 10th Year Of Mind-Numbing Boredom

PHOENIX—Tom Stubbens, 44, a former heroin abuser, attended a party in his honor to celebrate a full decade of clean, sober, and dismally tedious living Tuesday. "The crazy gang of partiers I used to have so much fun with in the '90s wouldn't even recognize the clean and respectable person standing before you today," said Stubbens, raising an iced tea to friends at his regular evening haunt, the 36th Avenue Denny's. "Yup, but here I am... that person." Stubbens then retired to his apartment, where he watered his plants, organized his sock drawer, and fell asleep on the couch.

Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires

SAFFORD, AZ—During a Monday night stop at an automated-teller machine, an overconfident Scott Tifton failed to withdraw cash using the machine's Spanish instructions. "My girlfriend Lisa was with me at the ATM, so I pressed Spanish as a joke," Tifton said. "I figured I could rely on my high-school Spanish, but instead of giving me $100, the deposit slot lit up. Then I hit what I thought meant 'cancel' a couple times, and it ate my card. We were going out to dinner for our two-year anniversary, and Lisa had to pay." Tifton said he probably could have figured out the instructions if he had been at his normal branch.

Alternative Training School For Dogs De-Emphasizes Obedience

MONTEREY, CA—Dogs who attend the Kylee Alternative Training Institute are exposed to a "creative canine learning environment where less emphasis is placed on obedience," director Morgan Kylee said Monday. "We believe in helping our students to discover their own potential, rather than forcing them to conform to the traditional idea of what a dog should be," Kylee said. "Dogs that mess on the carpet or bark incessantly are not scolded, but praised for finding their own parameters. Our motto is 'If it feels good, chew it.'" Classes at the school include Holistic Heeling, Elective Fetching, and Removing The Leg-Humping Stigma.

Thousands Dead In Wake Of Low-Carbon Diet

FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Doctors are linking nearly 9,000 deaths nationwide to the popular low-carbon diet outlined in the bestselling book, Dr. Wesley's Elemental Dieting. "Dr. Ryan Wesley's book tells dieters to avoid consuming carbon, an element that occurs in all organic life, animal and vegetable," said Dr. Peter Castle, a nutritionist at Johns Hopkins University. "Although Wesley dieters can ingest limitless hydrogen, oxygen, and nitrogen, deriving nutrients only from gases is not viable in the long term." The low-carbon diet first came to prominence in February 2004 when Wesley appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show weighing an astonishing 76 pounds.

Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease

NEW YORK—Representatives for Palmolive dish detergent issued a challenge to the makers of Dawn Monday, charging that the blue dishwashing soap "coddles grease." "Palmolive lives up to its vow to be 'tough on grease,' but Dawn merely 'takes grease out of your way,'" Colgate-Palmolive CEO Reuben Mark said. "Out of sight, out of mind, eh Dawn? Palmolive believes in eradicating the grease problem, not simply pushing it to the far reaches of the sink." Mark added that, as unrelenting as Palmolive is on grease, it continues to be soft on hands.

This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

Hey, you haven't even touched your milk. What's the matter? Milk is an important part of a balanced diet, good for strong bones, healthy teeth, and—what do you mean "spoiled"? Gimme that. Spoiled? This milk smells as fresh as the day I bought it. What? Listen to me, missy—this milk is expired when I say it is.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Holiday

Horoscope for the week of May 25, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your lifelong love of all things zombie becomes a definite liability when former president Ronald Reagan mysteriously returns to life and is told that you wouldn't mind if he stayed at your place.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You have the wisdom of Solomon, but the sensationalist jerks on the news insist on referring to you as that monster who chopped all those poor children in half.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your outspoken criticism of your superiors will lead to your transfer to a combat posting in the Middle East, something you didn't know the manager of an auto-parts store had the authority to do.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The great white shark is brutally tenacious in pursuit of its prey, as you will discover after changing your name and moving to land-locked San Antonio.
  • Leo

    Leo

    If you're reading this, Leo is dead. It's been lying about the dark stranger all along. You'll find the money hidden behind the Horsehead Nebula.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll fall under the influence of a drug that makes you think you can fly, but to the dismay of the people beneath your window, it actually makes you invisible.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You're someone who calls 'em like he sees 'em, which is a problem for a constantly hallucinating stutterer like yourself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    A combination of mistakes involving geography, bravado, and making promises while drunk will soon result in you going over Sioux Falls in a barrel.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A new international economic study indicates that tropical fruit and luxury automobiles have been overtaken by your overseas hate mail as America's number-one import.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your constant search for inner beauty leads to six months of pain when you pay an expert to tattoo the Last Supper on your heart, lungs, and renal system.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's been exhausting, but personally befriending everyone in the entire nation will pay off next Thursday when jury selection for your insurance-fraud case proves impossible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You like to think you're passing a lifetime's worth of wisdom to a younger generation, but the rest of the world thinks of you as a kitchen-counter installer with a DSL connection.
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