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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of May 25, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your lifelong love of all things zombie becomes a definite liability when former president Ronald Reagan mysteriously returns to life and is told that you wouldn't mind if he stayed at your place.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have the wisdom of Solomon, but the sensationalist jerks on the news insist on referring to you as that monster who chopped all those poor children in half.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your outspoken criticism of your superiors will lead to your transfer to a combat posting in the Middle East, something you didn't know the manager of an auto-parts store had the authority to do.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The great white shark is brutally tenacious in pursuit of its prey, as you will discover after changing your name and moving to land-locked San Antonio.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    If you're reading this, Leo is dead. It's been lying about the dark stranger all along. You'll find the money hidden behind the Horsehead Nebula.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll fall under the influence of a drug that makes you think you can fly, but to the dismay of the people beneath your window, it actually makes you invisible.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're someone who calls 'em like he sees 'em, which is a problem for a constantly hallucinating stutterer like yourself.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A combination of mistakes involving geography, bravado, and making promises while drunk will soon result in you going over Sioux Falls in a barrel.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A new international economic study indicates that tropical fruit and luxury automobiles have been overtaken by your overseas hate mail as America's number-one import.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your constant search for inner beauty leads to six months of pain when you pay an expert to tattoo the Last Supper on your heart, lungs, and renal system.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's been exhausting, but personally befriending everyone in the entire nation will pay off next Thursday when jury selection for your insurance-fraud case proves impossible.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You like to think you're passing a lifetime's worth of wisdom to a younger generation, but the rest of the world thinks of you as a kitchen-counter installer with a DSL connection.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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