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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.

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