Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.


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