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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

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Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.
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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.

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