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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.

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