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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 26, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Friends will marvel at your transformation from a dumpy stay-at-home into the Italian Baroque-style Saengre Theater, New Orleans' premier venue for classical concerts and Broadway musicals.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You're growing tired of the same routine week in and week out, but, hey, that's a three- to nine-year counterfeiting sentence for you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be awakened Wednesday by jackhammer-like pains in your skull, which will turn out to be a singularly apt simile.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    When your worst enemy meets her demise under the wheels of a cement truck, you'll be happy you made the effort of enlisting 16 people to help get it into her bedroom.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It turns out that "different" may be followed by "than" as long as the word introduces a clause, but that doesn't mean you have to like it.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The discovery of long-lost aviatrix Amelia Earhart will leave you with a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You're honestly trying to rid yourself of preconceived ideas, but it seems to be slowing down your day-to-day life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes it feels like true happiness slipped past you in an instant. In reality, it crept by slowly, taking extreme care not to be seen.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You should explore new conversational tactics. Trapping people in a pincer formation of battle tanks is proving socially awkward.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You won't be acting especially smug when it happens, but a 100-mile-per-hour sandstorm will still wipe that smile right off your face.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It will be difficult to persuade people to listen to your arguments, but you're profoundly certain that there are things a Klingon commander would simply never say.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    There's an adage that says it's better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it still comes as a surprise that those are your only choices.

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