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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    "You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.
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