Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 20

Condoleezza Rice's Lunch Missing

WASHINGTON, DC—National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice announced Tuesday that she is "extremely distressed" that her lunch is missing from...

Candy Purchase Puts Yet More Money In Raisinets' Bloated Coffers

GLENDALE, CA—The already overflowing coffers of Nestlé subsidiary Raisinets were further fattened Monday, when Atlanta resident Jonathan Graber, 11, purchased a bag of the candy at a local convenience store. "Ah, very good... that's another 75 cents for us," said Raisinets president William Koenig, as he observed the Graber purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Glendale headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate-covered raisin treats that they buy, we only grow more powerful." Koenig then opened a bag of Raisinets and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally.

Magical Gallery Transforms Dull Objects Into Art

NEW YORK—A magical New York art gallery has the power to turn dull, everyday items into brilliant works of art, sources reported Monday. "Seth Clayton's devastating Untitled No. 7 captures the despair of urban ennui in a way that's post-ironic yet somehow pre-pomo," said David E. Sherry, owner of the David E. Sherry Gallery, while admiring a rusty bucket and tattered boot lying on the gallery floor. "Its eloquence is truly heartbreaking."

I Am Proud To Serve My Country Beer

Our country has witnessed its fair share of trials and tribulations lately. We have endured wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. We have lived under the near-constant threat of terrorist attack at home. Many young Americans have heard the call to serve and, stirred by love of country and a deep sense of patriotic duty, they have responded. Some have served in the Army, others in the Marines. As for myself, I have served Coors Light.

It's Not Easy Being The Life Of The Orgy

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two—and believe me, there are hundreds—about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy.

The Bush Tax-Cut Plan

President Bush is preparing to sign a $350 billion tax-cut package. What are some of the plans specifics?

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian

ORLANDO, FL—Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

Housekeeper Too Busy To Be Sassy

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Much to the chagrin of the Whitford family, housekeeper Maria Ortega, 42, is too busy cleaning their mansion to deliver any sassy wisecracks. "It's such a pity, really," said head-of-the-household Judge John Whitford on Tuesday. "Maria spends so much time cooking meals, vacuuming and dusting our 40 rooms, washing the windows, doing the laundry, making the beds, and hauling out the trash, she never delights us with any snappy, smart-alecky rejoinders like that Florence on The Jeffersons." Whitford added that he can't understand why Ortega doesn't have time to come up with one-liners during her daily two-hour bus ride to work.
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Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    "You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
  • Leo

    Leo

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.
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