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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    "You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.

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