Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

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Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    "You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.