adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 28, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though it's noble that you became an accounts adjuster to make the world a better place, it remains unclear exactly how that's going to happen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your problem isn't merely that you love your money more than you love your friends, but that you only have a few hundred bucks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Keep in mind that it's important to set goals so you feel appropriately pathetic when you fail to achieve them.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    "You'll make major waves in the show-biz world when you launch a show called The E! Completely Fabricated Hollywood Story."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Heartbreak is in the stars for you this week when the woman of your dreams confesses she cannot love a man with such an unholy appetite for pie.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You've had your picture in the paper before, but never in connection with a catastrophic bridge collapse.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your colleagues will begin referring to you as the greatest mind they've ever encountered, in much the same way people call the fat guy Tiny.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, one must be cruel to be kind. From now on, it's best to assume this is the case until proven otherwise.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've spent your whole life running from yourself, but considering that it's a murderous cyborg version of yourself from an alternate-universe post-nuclear future, that's understandable.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Some problems can't be solved by retreating into drugs and alcohol, but thankfully, yours aren't that kind.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A team of paramedics won't have the heart to revive you after finding your gin- and sex-drenched body floating happily in a country-club pool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Remember, it's not how hard you beat the goat, but whether the goat you're beating is on fire.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close