Horoscope for the week of May 29, 2002

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of May 29, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's been said that there are only two things that come out of Texas: steers and queers. You're going to change all that.