Horoscope for the week of May 29, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 20

Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant

JASPER, AL—Karen Brundage was chilled to learn Monday that Cora Damrush, the "single most selfish, ignorant, emotionally crippled person" she knows, is expecting a baby in November. "My heart skipped a beat—in a bad way—when Cora said she and Neil were having a child," Brundage said. "I can't even begin to tell you what a foul, miserable harpy that woman is." Brundage added that she wishes there were some sort of baby-shower gift that would save the unborn child from a lifetime of misery cowering before a dark and evil mother.

CNN Graphic Designer Asked To Combine Dollar Sign, Syringe, Fighter Jets, Panda

ATLANTA—Christine Kannberg, a CNN Headline News graphic designer, expressed befuddlement Monday when asked to create a story logo incorporating a dollar sign, a syringe, fighter jets, and a panda. "I can't even begin to imagine what this one's for," Kannberg said from her workstation. "Maybe, like, the Beijing Zoo was smuggling drugs into the U.S. inside pandas, and we bombed them or something." Last week, Kannberg was asked to create a graphic combining a football helmet, three DNA helixes, a rhubarb pie, and the state of Oregon.

Overweight Man Receives 'Lose Weight Fast' Spam E-Mail Featuring His Picture

HOUSTON—Jim Funderburke, a 240-pound accountant, was surprised to find a photo of himself in a spam e-mail for a weight-loss product Monday. "That's the last time I post vacation pictures on my web site," said Funderburke, 38, gazing at an unflattering image of himself in a bathing suit. "I'd like to be able to check my messages without seeing myself used as the online embodiment of obesity and overindulgence." Funderburke also expressed a wish to water his lawn without neighborhood teenagers calling him "Before Dude."

Suicide Bombings In The U.S.?

According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think?

Cannes 2002

After 12 days of screening and parties, the 2002 Cannes Film Festival wrapped up Sunday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 29, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your prayers have finally been answered. Unfortunately, they're your prayers from 20 years ago. Start looking for a place to put all the ponies.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will achieve a certain sort of renown for your brief stint as host of the Animal Planet program The Crocodile Hunted.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your career as a plastic surgeon is in danger of coming to a premature end this week, when you confront your arch-enemy, the dreaded Steel Surgeon.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You're rapidly becoming known as the office peacemaker, thanks to your ownership of a long-barreled, .44 caliber Colt Peacemaker.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will, through no doing of your own, receive as much as 10 percent off on a major purchase.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'll become the most popular thing in South Florida when the bigger bonefish start hitting hooks baited with you.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There's probably an easier way to get through life, but at this point you've gotten used to using the shovel.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Everyone knows you're the one who murdered the Dell Computer dude, but relax: There isn't a jury in the world that'd convict you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your entire month will be ruined when a so-called "very special guest" turns out to be Alec Baldwin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's been almost three decades, but you think you're finally beginning to recover from the long, national nightmare of Vietnam movies.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though you think of yourself as quite the character, Charles Dickens once said he would only give you eight or nine thousand words.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    It's been said that there are only two things that come out of Texas: steers and queers. You're going to change all that.
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