Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Family

Productivity

Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.