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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.

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