adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close