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Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 3, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose all credibility when it is revealed that, contrary to your claims, your life is not based on a true story.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though you don't remember your past, you're not doomed to repeat it. This is because you don't matter much in the grand scheme of things.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Everyone enjoys seeing their name in print, but that is not a good reason to change your name to Janet Reno.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Low-cholesterol diets are of little help to people like yourself who are destined to die in airplane crashes.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's high time you let go of your obsession with the unwholesome intentions Bluto has toward Olive Oyl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Mars and Mercury in your sign doesn't always mean you'll be hit by a truck, but this time it does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your expanding consciousness will bring you deeper and deeper understanding of the universe until your head bursts like an overripe melon.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your full potential for greatness will never be realized unless you shun pointless conflict. This may never happen, however, as you are Northern Ireland.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars indicate that this is not a good week to start a new love affair. It's a fine week, however, to continue being just good friends.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    If walking a mile in another's shoes is good, riding unseen in the back of their car for a mile is even better.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've got it half right: Though professional wrestling is fake, it is not done with cleverly trained poodles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The consoling remark, "Hey, everybody dies," is, on second thought, not very consoling at all.

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