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Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

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Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.

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