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Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.

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