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Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.

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