adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of May 30, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close