Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're known to all as a person who doesn't bother hiding her feeling. That's not a typo. You've only got one.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Don't go around wondering what people say about you. If you knew, you'd only learn a lot of unpleasant things about yourself.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember, really cool people don't need drugs to have a good time. They need to take drugs to have a good time.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The funny thing about next Monday won't seem very funny to you, but rest assured that it'll be hilarious to the bartender, the coroner, and all the monkeys.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A prospective employer, during the course of a job interview, will ask you what you believe to be your worst quality, a question which leads inexorably to his suicide some days later.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
All things considered, it's a good thing you aren't in the prostitution business for the money.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your superhero career is born when a knock on the head from a radioactive evergreen tree gives you the proportionate strength and speed of a Douglas fir.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The next few days will be a good time for the Zodiac to take some time for itself and get things done. Scorpio has a life outside of you, you know.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Surprisingly enough, the end of your life will include 20 minutes of credits, copyright information, and a rather sad zither-based closing theme.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have a sudden flash of insight in the bathtub and run down the street enlightened, exultant, and naked, only to find out it's been done.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The old saying, "It'll never heal if you pick at it," will save your life this week.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Don't worry: There will be very little pain, and it will be over almost instantly. However, "it" in this instance refers to lunch.
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