Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.


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