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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.

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