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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

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Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Healthy Living

Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.

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