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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

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A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.

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