Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.
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