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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of May 31, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will suddenly, mercifully pass away during your dinner date's lecture on the spathic qualities of igneous rocks.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The presence of Mercury in your sign indicates that this will be a good week for you, but the presence of mercury in your tap water says otherwise.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will dashingly send out for an enchanting pizza and fall gloriously asleep in front of the majestic television.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    A mysterious voice from the distant '70s will repeatedly exhort you to do it 'til you're satisfied.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Stop worrying about the effect the asteroids are having on your horoscope. It's just plain unscientific.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's true: Nobody appreciates an attractive, well-made vinyl floor covering more than you.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You are actually the reincarnated spirit of the Greek hero Ulysses, which actually isn't very good news for you, your wife, your dog, or several of your fellow sailors.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't know the words to Bruce Springsteen's "Born In The USA," but don't let that stop you. Just shout "Born in the USA!" over and over again.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will wake up to discover that it was all just a dream, pissing off audiences across the country.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You're beginning to think you should have listened to your mother when she said, "Look out for that train, son."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though you've lost almost everything you once loved, you've also gained many, many pounds.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will embark on a quest for the Seven Mystic Keys which will enable you to enter your home, car, and office.

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