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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, you’ll hide your blueprints, because you can’t think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It’s been three months since you’ve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operators’ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadn’t had the manners to add “please.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Technically, “filibusters” can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your friends have always referred to you as having an “old soul,” but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite changing your number a dozen times, you’ll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffin’ around his women.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ve always lived by the words of your father, who said, “Even if you’re only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.” Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, you’ll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.
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