Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, you’ll hide your blueprints, because you can’t think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It’s been three months since you’ve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operators’ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadn’t had the manners to add “please.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Technically, “filibusters” can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your friends have always referred to you as having an “old soul,” but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite changing your number a dozen times, you’ll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffin’ around his women.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ve always lived by the words of your father, who said, “Even if you’re only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.” Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, you’ll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.


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