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Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Despite the urgent need for the million-person interstellar starliner you designed, you’ll hide your blueprints, because you can’t think of a million people you could stand being with on a trip that long.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It’s been three months since you’ve been hit by a bus, but the law of averages catches up with you this week, when you win free tickets to the Annual Greyhound Operators’ Dozen-Coach Rodeo.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might have been speaking entirely in jest, but those abductors would not have taken your wife if you hadn’t had the manners to add “please.”
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Technically, “filibusters” can only take place on the congressional floor. All you’re doing is keeping that poor waiter from attending to his other tables.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your friends have always referred to you as having an “old soul,” but your soul is nothing compared to your arteries.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite changing your number a dozen times, you’ll continue to get late-night phone calls from Owen warning you not to come sniffin’ around his women.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will soon be renowned throughout the land as Furious Nine-Mile-Reach Fist, a name that sounds cool but will actually turn out to be a handicap in your job as a suburban realtor.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You’ve always lived by the words of your father, who said, “Even if you’re only a ditch digger, you should be the best damn ditch digger you can be.” Well, good job, you fucking ditch digger.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You’ll be a very sought-after sports-page interview when the Minnesota Vikings demand that their new stadium include your head on a post at the main entrance.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You always suspected that no one would attend your funeral, but due to a rare coma-like neurological condition, you’ll actually be able to see all the empty pews.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You’re offered the chance to serve as “the most dangerous game” for a billionaire sportsman, but it’s canceled after he finds a tiger that has been trained to work a rocket launcher.

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