adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close