Aries | March 21 to April 19
Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.
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