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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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