adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close