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Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Horoscope for the week of May 5, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Certain events of this week will serve to correct your misconception that salt is a good thing to rub in wounds.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your approaching birthday will make it harder and harder to stop imagining your parents busy conceiving you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Having a rusty spigot forcibly implanted in your abdomen might hurt, but you’ll soon come to appreciate the convenience.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Life is a dream from which you are trying to wake. Fortunately, God has an "alarm clock" which may help.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars have foretold that you will soon take a long, cool drink of water. You know, sometimes they don’t even try.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You can certainly understand why the other cowboys joke about people milking bulls. The bulls really don’t seem to like it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will go against the dietary laws of God when you indulge in a delicious meal of vermin and boiled gyr-eagle.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will win your long battle with cancer through the implementation of an ingenious plan to kill off its host.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Robert Graves, recently fired fom his job on Biography, will follow you around this week and drunkenly narrate everything you do.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There is no logical reason your life should suddenly involve a mullet-headed, swing-dancing lesbian witch, but that's the kind of gimp you are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your existence, and that of every person on Earth, is unaffected by your knowledge of the atomic number for tin.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon reach the pinnacle of your prestigious and lucrative "putting things on shelves" profession.

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