Horoscope for the week of May 5, 2004

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 5, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the 11th hour.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be hard to get used to your new life, but you'll come to realize you wouldn't trade it for all the working legs and non-prehensile noses in the world.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take heart: There is indeed a ruler of the universe who surpasses all understanding and is greater than all men. Luckily, He never seems to notice us.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've heard that no two snowflakes are alike, and you're pretty certain that this indicates an ethical failing on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Neither love nor money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, we're down to about 17 ounces of the highly unstable stuff that does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You know you're supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that advice is of little help to an avowed cat person.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always considered yourself to be good with children, making it quite a surprise when they all decide to hunt you down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No further cosmic developments are scheduled this week. Please interpret any as anomalies and ignore.
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