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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 5, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the 11th hour.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be hard to get used to your new life, but you'll come to realize you wouldn't trade it for all the working legs and non-prehensile noses in the world.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take heart: There is indeed a ruler of the universe who surpasses all understanding and is greater than all men. Luckily, He never seems to notice us.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've heard that no two snowflakes are alike, and you're pretty certain that this indicates an ethical failing on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Neither love nor money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, we're down to about 17 ounces of the highly unstable stuff that does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You know you're supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that advice is of little help to an avowed cat person.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always considered yourself to be good with children, making it quite a surprise when they all decide to hunt you down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No further cosmic developments are scheduled this week. Please interpret any as anomalies and ignore.

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