adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of May 5, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your infamous good-natured but ill-fated meddling in others' lives will reach its peak when you screw up a trilateral Asian trade agreement in the 11th hour.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be hard to get used to your new life, but you'll come to realize you wouldn't trade it for all the working legs and non-prehensile noses in the world.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Take heart: There is indeed a ruler of the universe who surpasses all understanding and is greater than all men. Luckily, He never seems to notice us.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've always insisted that no one can completely understand your problems. That raises the question of why you won't fucking stop talking about them, then.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've heard that no two snowflakes are alike, and you're pretty certain that this indicates an ethical failing on their part.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Neither love nor money makes the world go round. Unfortunately, we're down to about 17 ounces of the highly unstable stuff that does.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You've always stressed the importance of manners, but you don't think they need to prevent anyone from killing as many people as possible.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Next week will serve as a good example of what happens to people who listen to old wives' tales, especially the ones whose old husbands are high-ranking Masonic elders.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You know you're supposed to keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but that advice is of little help to an avowed cat person.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Although you firmly believe there are two kinds of people in the world, it really creeps you out that you can't figure out what they are.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You've always considered yourself to be good with children, making it quite a surprise when they all decide to hunt you down.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No further cosmic developments are scheduled this week. Please interpret any as anomalies and ignore.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close