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Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A nationwide taste test will reveal that four out of five consumers prefer your roasted haunches to the taste of new fat-free Muncharitos.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to sense the world is turning against you and your kind when doctors announce that they will someday find a cure for Cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The onset of summer will soon force you to answer a difficult question. Decide now whether or not it is hot enough for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Frankly, the stars are very disappointed in you, as they distinctly remember warning you not to get involved in the sort of foolhardy activities you will engage in next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is an undefinable "certain something" you find attractive about your new neighbor. Unfortunately, you will soon discover it to be nothing more than a large but otherwise ordinary set of breasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be brutally murdered with axes and crosscut saws when the other lumberjacks get tired of seeing your "Big Blue Ox."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strange impulses you cannot explain will impel you to spend hundreds of dollars on rubber stamps.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is very strong in Aquarius this week. Bury yourself alive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Almost anything could happen to you this week. Do not leave home without food, matches, a sturdy knife and 50 feet of rope.

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