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Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A nationwide taste test will reveal that four out of five consumers prefer your roasted haunches to the taste of new fat-free Muncharitos.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You begin to sense the world is turning against you and your kind when doctors announce that they will someday find a cure for Cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The onset of summer will soon force you to answer a difficult question. Decide now whether or not it is hot enough for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Frankly, the stars are very disappointed in you, as they distinctly remember warning you not to get involved in the sort of foolhardy activities you will engage in next week.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There is an undefinable "certain something" you find attractive about your new neighbor. Unfortunately, you will soon discover it to be nothing more than a large but otherwise ordinary set of breasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will be brutally murdered with axes and crosscut saws when the other lumberjacks get tired of seeing your "Big Blue Ox."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Strange impulses you cannot explain will impel you to spend hundreds of dollars on rubber stamps.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Earth magick is very strong in Aquarius this week. Bury yourself alive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Almost anything could happen to you this week. Do not leave home without food, matches, a sturdy knife and 50 feet of rope.

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