Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

In This Section

Vol 33 Issue 17

Koko The Gorilla Now Just Flipping Everybody Off

WOODSIDE, CA–Koko, the famed gorilla whose mastery of sign language made her a celebrity, has now resorted to flipping everybody off. "Apparently, after more than 20 years of rigorous sign-language training and cue-card drills, Koko is sick of being the world's foremost test ape," said Koko trainer Dr. Francine Patterson. "Yesterday, she gave me the hand sign for 'Leave me the hell alone, already. I am an intelligent creature who has more than adequately demonstrated my vast capacity for reasoning and other high-level brain functions. Go away, and let me eat my banana in peace.'"

Astronomers Predict Giant Asteroid Will Hit Nation's Theaters This Summer

PALO ALTO, CA–Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory warned the U.S. government Monday that a six-mile-wide asteroid will strike movie theaters nationwide this summer. "America's moviegoers are about to be hit from above with non-stop thrills," observatory director Phillip Howard said. "If safety measures are not taken at once, the entire human race is in danger of being blown away by spectacular special effects and non-stop action." Top Clinton cabinet members are meeting with Pentagon officials to see whether a barrage of missiles might destroy the $70 million Paramount Pictures release before it comes dangerously close to a theater near you.

Clinton, Hagar Meet To Discuss Federal Speed-Limit Issues

WASHINGTON, DC–On Tuesday, President Clinton held a special closed-door session with veteran rocker and automotive-acceleration activist Sammy Hagar to discuss key federal speed-limit issues. "Mr. Hagar and I made good progress, and I now have a much better understanding of his strong opposition to the current 55-mile-per-hour speed limit," Clinton said. "I am confident a compromise can be reached." Hagar, who has been written up for speeds reaching upwards of 145 and whose license has been taken and all that jive on numerous occasions, is calling for the speed limit to be raised to 250.

Nation's Substitute Teachers Would Like To Know Who Threw That

WASHINGTON, DC–Frustrated and "no longer fooling around," the nation's substitute teachers publicly demanded Monday to know the identity of the student who threw that. "We are really starting to get fed up here," said Paula Jenkins, president of the National Association Of Substitute Teachers. "We want to know who threw that right now, and we are not kidding." If the perpetrator is not revealed within the next minute, the substitutes have threatened to leave the nation's regular teachers a scathing report detailing the misbehavior of U.S. students while they were out.

Gore Reprimanded For Failure To Look Busy

WASHINGTON, DC—The embattled Clinton Administration found itself engulfed in still more controversy Wednesday, when The Washington Post reported that Vice-President Al Gore has been formally reprimanded by a federal grand jury for failing to look busy.

Human Affection Now Available Only From Grandparents, Down Syndrome Children

SEATTLE—In findings likely to have major ramifications on interpersonal relations throughout society, researchers at the University of Washington's Institute For Advanced Behavioral Studies announced Monday that human affection—the unconditional expression of feelings of warmth and approval toward another individual—is now only available from two sources: grandparents born before the year 1938 and children afflicted with the genetic disorder Down Syndrome.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Spring

Horoscope for the week of May 6, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    Though you've never really thought of yourself as the military type, you will earn fame and glory for your victories in next week's Cola Wars.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A nationwide taste test will reveal that four out of five consumers prefer your roasted haunches to the taste of new fat-free Muncharitos.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The events of next week will closely mirror all the other events in your life up to that point.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You begin to sense the world is turning against you and your kind when doctors announce that they will someday find a cure for Cancer.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The onset of summer will soon force you to answer a difficult question. Decide now whether or not it is hot enough for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Frankly, the stars are very disappointed in you, as they distinctly remember warning you not to get involved in the sort of foolhardy activities you will engage in next week.
  • Libra

    Libra

    There is an undefinable "certain something" you find attractive about your new neighbor. Unfortunately, you will soon discover it to be nothing more than a large but otherwise ordinary set of breasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Do not believe those who tell you they can see your future. They are merely preying upon your ignorant, fearful, superstitious nature.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You will be brutally murdered with axes and crosscut saws when the other lumberjacks get tired of seeing your "Big Blue Ox."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Strange impulses you cannot explain will impel you to spend hundreds of dollars on rubber stamps.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Earth magick is very strong in Aquarius this week. Bury yourself alive.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Almost anything could happen to you this week. Do not leave home without food, matches, a sturdy knife and 50 feet of rope.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More