Aries | March 21 to April 19
Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.
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