Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.