Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.
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