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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.
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