Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

How To Report A Crime

Whether you are a bystander, witness, or the direct victim of a crime, it’s important to know how to alert the authorities. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide for reporting a crime
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close