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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Don't neglect the spiritual side of your life. Find the best person you know, nail him to a cross, and worship him.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Take a child with you the next time you go to a museum. If heavily armed thieves strike during your visit, the child can be used as a human shield.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In the end, it doesn't matter what good you've done or how well-meaning a person you are, as you are still not getting a pony.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Mistakes you made in your youth will come back to haunt you by plunging you into a bitter war with Germany.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Make an effort to be more honest with yourself in your everyday life. Look in the mirror and say, "I am a big fat fatty-pants."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Spare nothing in your quest to be the finest human specimen on earth. If an organ or appendage doesn't make you stronger or faster, cut it off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Family and travel are dominant in Libra this week. Cut the brake lines on your father's minivan.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Prepare yourself for the afterlife by killing your servants.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your long battle with alcohol ends at last when you discover heroin.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You no longer have a destiny. All the stars in Capricorn burned out today.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your personal nightmare continues this week as the ghost of Bert Convy follows you everywhere.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Raise awareness of sodomy in your community by organizing a neighborhood Sodomy Watch at your house.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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