Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 17

Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.

Stripper Failing School She's Working Self Through

LAS VEGAS—Exotic dancer Tricia "Mercedes" Hrlevich, 22, who is stripping to put herself through school, is failing her Red Rock Community College business classes, sources said Tuesday. "I definitely want to do something with, like, business," said Hrlevich, who has received Fs on three straight economics exams. "Dancing at Cheetah's [Gentlemen's Cabaret] is just a way of getting closer toward that goal." Hrlevich then accompanied a balding 54-year-old to the Champagne Room, where she earned $60 toward a Psych 101 textbook she will never read.

Compliment Goes Horribly Awry

KNOXVILLE, TN—A compliment went horribly awry Monday, when Greg Upchurch, 26, praised girlfriend Sheri Werning, 25, for her "juicy ass." "I didn't mean fat," said Upchurch, explaining himself to the offended Werning. "By 'juicy,' I meant curvy, you know? Like, that you're really healthy and athletic, and not some sickly little stick figure." Having dug himself into a hole, Upchurch pondered comparing Werning's posterior to Jennifer Lopez's, but ultimately decided against it.

Bush To Lovely Chilean Ambassador:'I Must Paint You'

WASHINGTON, DC—After spotting Chilean Ambassador to the U.S. Natalia Verdugo at a D.C.-area café Tuesday, a smitten President Bush promptly invited the bewitching diplomat to his artist's garret in the East Wing of the White House. "I must paint you," Bush reportedly told Verdugo. "I simply must commit your beauty to the canvas immediately. Please, come away with me to my studio, where the early-evening light from my western window shall caress your undraped form." Though she eventually agreed to pose for the president, Verdugo drew the line at "an afternoon of fiery passion" among his charcoal sketches.

8-Year-Old Forced To Eat Organic Macaroni And Cheese

SAUSALITO, CA—In spite of his distaste for Annie's Homegrown Mac & Cheese, area 8-year-old Josh Remmert was forced by his mother to eat an entire plate of the organic pasta for lunch Tuesday. "I like Kraft Mac & Cheese a lot better, but Mom says it's all processed and got artificial stuff in it," Remmert said. "At least it's the right color. The cheese in this stuff isn't even orange." To help wash down the all-natural pasta, Remmert was given a choice between carrot juice and vanilla-flavored Rice Dream.

Continuing Clashes In Iraq

In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week. What do you think?

Have You Been Bitten By The Matrix Bug?

Item! Beware of Matrixmania! Matrix 2: Back To The Matrix is coming out soon, and that means the ladies of the world will once again be drooling over hunky Lawrence "Black Morpheus" Fishburn. But while drooling is guaranteed, many questions remain unanswered: Can the sequel top the original? Did Elron really die in the first one, or will he be back? Will there be more sparks between Neon and Brittany? Tune in here for all the latest cyber-poop.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.
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