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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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