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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.

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