Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of May 7, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet the girl of your dreams Wednesday when she and five other EMTs try to free you from a hellish cocoon of molten glass.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After years of indecision, you will finally decide to move to Las Vegas, where you'll lose it all on 23 Red.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be hailed as a hero by The American Spectator when you shoot three suspicious-looking Hispanic kids in the back while guarding the West Park Mall.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, it's a bad week for romance in the workplace, but romance has nothing to do with your coworkers taking you from behind while you're Xeroxing.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You're asking for it health-wise if you don't start exercising, sleeping more, and reducing your intake of fat people.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Though it should be easy to prove that giant robots are not constantly sneaking up on you, you remain remarkably resistant to dissuasion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Sometimes, all one can do is step back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. However, the jury will note that a fire extinguisher was within easy reach.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your abuses of the American legal system will soon surpass your abuses of the Fayetteville, AR, plumbing system.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    After a long, expensive investigation, the World Health Organization will be forced to admit that it has no idea how you slipped through.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll make controversial front-page headlines when you're the subject of the nation's first multimillion-dollar asexual-harassment case.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've finally decided to divorce your whiny, repugnant spouse. Good luck ever finding love again, babe.