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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.

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