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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.
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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.
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