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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

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A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.

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