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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.

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