Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.


Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.