Aries | March 21 to April 19
Please help clean up your world! After all, your mother doesn't live here, at least not after next Thursday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It might not be a comfort, but if we lived in a parallel universe where bulldozers are sentient beings, a certain one would be apologizing profusely right now.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars aren't exactly Cole Porter, but "If I Can't Have You, I'd Like A Small Order Of Fries" doesn't seem to have "hit" written all over it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will meet dozens of people as cold and unfeeling as yourself after taking out an ad in the impersonals section of your newspaper.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Try not to beat yourself up over your failings. After all, there are plenty of people willing to do the job for you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
There's no easy way to say this, but a falling plate-glass window will shear you in half next Friday. Actually, that was pretty easy, come to think.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After all these years, the arresting officers still get a little flustered when you try to tip them.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Though you may never actually find your soulmate in this lifetime, any decent supermarket will provide you with a lifetime supply of Coffee-Mate.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Sometimes, you think that becoming a corporate lawyer stained your soul and destroyed your faith in humanity. However, there is the money.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your ex-wife says you're six feet of stunted emotional growth in a bad tie. Better get a new tie.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Remember those less fortunate than yourself next week. You can find them in burn wards and leper colonies.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be the 37th overall pick in this week's NFL Slow-Old-Guy Supplemental Draft.
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