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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the last time, Brad isn't right for you. Stop breaking into his house and waiting naked in his closet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll no longer wonder if you have what it takes after finding out that it takes a weak will, a pot belly, and a full complement of cable channels.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The grim spectre of Death will appear before you next week and hint that, though you're not supposed to die for years, it never hurts to be nice to the man who makes the schedule.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    We're pretty sure that fortune cookie was wrong about your lucky numbers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The pride you feel when your superiors choose you as the best man for the job will fade when you discover how much raw sewage the job involves.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Preparation is the key to success. For instance, you can save yourself a lot of pain and stress next Friday by studying how pins go back into grenades today.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars were going to tell you to stop playing your little head games. Then again, that's how soccer, the world's most popular sport, was invented.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's a chance you're being melodramatic about next week's events. Three giant Nazi Martian women do not necessarily constitute a threat to the planet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take some time out to appreciate all the not-exactly-horrible things in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought Texas had already unleashed all the evil it could upon the world, but you forgot about the Dell layoffs and the killer bees.
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