Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 19

Area Woman Can't Understand Concept of Suggested Donation

NEW YORK–During a Tuesday visit to the American Museum of Natural History, Omaha resident Mary Stefano, 49, struggled to understand the concept of suggested donation. "So, if the sign says $10 is the suggested donation, that means I have to pay $10, right?" Stefano asked the admission-counter cashier. "Because, if you could pay less, why wouldn't everyone pay less?" After the cashier explained that $10 is what most adults pay, but museum visitors have the option of paying more or less depending on their ability, Stefano replied, "But if I don't pay $10, I won't get to see the whole museum, right?" After another 10 minutes of queries, Stefano was escorted out of the museum by security.

Vast Array Of Lip-Balm Options Paralyzes Shopper

PLANT CITY, FL–Looking for relief for her dry, chapped lips, Walgreens shopper Danielle Liddle was paralyzed with indecision Monday upon confronting the store's vast, intimidating array of lip balms. "I just wanted some simple lip balm, and there was this entire wall," Liddle said. "Blistex, Carmex, Chap Stick, Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, Vaseline Lip Therapy, Burt's Beeswax–I didn't even know how to begin the selection process." After nearly 30 minutes of browsing, Liddle narrowed her choices down to Blistex mint, Walgreens cherry medicated, and Chap Stick Ultra SPF 30.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend naked. "Every now and then, I'll just sit in the living room with the TV off and hope they think I'm in my room or out of the apartment altogether," said Smidlap, keeping an eye on the hallway between the bathroom and Cordova's room. "I think I have a decent shot of at least seeing Valerie's ass if I stay diligently to the task."

The Medical-Marijuana Ban

Last week, the Supreme Court ruled 8-0 that federal law does not allow a "medical necessity" exception to the ban on marijuana use. What do you think?

My Weed Connection Is Dried Up

Hola, amigos. Whaddaya say? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been tied up lately. Actually, I meant "pissed off," not "tied up." It's hard for me to think straight these days. It seems like every little thing is stacking up against me, like the universe has got something against your old pal Jim Anchower.

Moving-Day Tips

Moving can be a major hassle, but with proper planning, it doesn't have to be. Here are some tips to make your next move as smooth as possible:

China's Olympic Bid

Beijing is in competition with Toronto and Paris to host the 2008 Summer Games. What are the Chinese doing to win over the International Olympic Committee?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Spring

Race Relations

Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    For the last time, Brad isn't right for you. Stop breaking into his house and waiting naked in his closet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll no longer wonder if you have what it takes after finding out that it takes a weak will, a pot belly, and a full complement of cable channels.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The grim spectre of Death will appear before you next week and hint that, though you're not supposed to die for years, it never hurts to be nice to the man who makes the schedule.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    We're pretty sure that fortune cookie was wrong about your lucky numbers.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The pride you feel when your superiors choose you as the best man for the job will fade when you discover how much raw sewage the job involves.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Preparation is the key to success. For instance, you can save yourself a lot of pain and stress next Friday by studying how pins go back into grenades today.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The stars were going to tell you to stop playing your little head games. Then again, that's how soccer, the world's most popular sport, was invented.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There's a chance you're being melodramatic about next week's events. Three giant Nazi Martian women do not necessarily constitute a threat to the planet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Take some time out to appreciate all the not-exactly-horrible things in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You thought Texas had already unleashed all the evil it could upon the world, but you forgot about the Dell layoffs and the killer bees.
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