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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the last time, Brad isn't right for you. Stop breaking into his house and waiting naked in his closet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll no longer wonder if you have what it takes after finding out that it takes a weak will, a pot belly, and a full complement of cable channels.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The grim spectre of Death will appear before you next week and hint that, though you're not supposed to die for years, it never hurts to be nice to the man who makes the schedule.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    We're pretty sure that fortune cookie was wrong about your lucky numbers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The pride you feel when your superiors choose you as the best man for the job will fade when you discover how much raw sewage the job involves.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Preparation is the key to success. For instance, you can save yourself a lot of pain and stress next Friday by studying how pins go back into grenades today.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars were going to tell you to stop playing your little head games. Then again, that's how soccer, the world's most popular sport, was invented.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's a chance you're being melodramatic about next week's events. Three giant Nazi Martian women do not necessarily constitute a threat to the planet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take some time out to appreciate all the not-exactly-horrible things in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought Texas had already unleashed all the evil it could upon the world, but you forgot about the Dell layoffs and the killer bees.

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