Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of May 9, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    For the last time, Brad isn't right for you. Stop breaking into his house and waiting naked in his closet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll no longer wonder if you have what it takes after finding out that it takes a weak will, a pot belly, and a full complement of cable channels.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The grim spectre of Death will appear before you next week and hint that, though you're not supposed to die for years, it never hurts to be nice to the man who makes the schedule.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    We're pretty sure that fortune cookie was wrong about your lucky numbers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The pride you feel when your superiors choose you as the best man for the job will fade when you discover how much raw sewage the job involves.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Preparation is the key to success. For instance, you can save yourself a lot of pain and stress next Friday by studying how pins go back into grenades today.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars were going to tell you to stop playing your little head games. Then again, that's how soccer, the world's most popular sport, was invented.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's a chance you're being melodramatic about next week's events. Three giant Nazi Martian women do not necessarily constitute a threat to the planet.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take some time out to appreciate all the not-exactly-horrible things in your life.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You thought Texas had already unleashed all the evil it could upon the world, but you forgot about the Dell layoffs and the killer bees.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close