Aries | March 21 to April 19
You won't be aware that there's a Citizens' Coalition To Stop The Igniting Of Cats until they knock on your door next Wednesday.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You have no grounds for a lawsuit: The label on the vegetarian buffalo wings said "meatless," not "contains no chicken parts."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
For the last time, Brad isn't right for you. Stop breaking into his house and waiting naked in his closet.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You'll no longer wonder if you have what it takes after finding out that it takes a weak will, a pot belly, and a full complement of cable channels.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The grim spectre of Death will appear before you next week and hint that, though you're not supposed to die for years, it never hurts to be nice to the man who makes the schedule.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
We're pretty sure that fortune cookie was wrong about your lucky numbers.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The pride you feel when your superiors choose you as the best man for the job will fade when you discover how much raw sewage the job involves.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Preparation is the key to success. For instance, you can save yourself a lot of pain and stress next Friday by studying how pins go back into grenades today.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars were going to tell you to stop playing your little head games. Then again, that's how soccer, the world's most popular sport, was invented.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There's a chance you're being melodramatic about next week's events. Three giant Nazi Martian women do not necessarily constitute a threat to the planet.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Take some time out to appreciate all the not-exactly-horrible things in your life.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You thought Texas had already unleashed all the evil it could upon the world, but you forgot about the Dell layoffs and the killer bees.
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