Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 39

Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory

LAUREL, DE– During a campaign stop Monday, Republican U.S. Senate candidate and former Delaware attorney general Don Stenberg expressed great pleasure to be at a chair factory. "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be with the fine men and women of the Laurel Chair Works on this beautiful day," Stenberg told the crowd of 200 employees, donning a Laurel Chair Works baseball hat given to him by factory owner Darrell Widcock. "Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in Congress." Earlier in the day, Stenberg was overjoyed to be at an elementary school, a mall, a senior-citizen community center, and an Episcopalian Church.

Awful Show A Repeat Again

PRESCOTT, AZ– According to local TV viewer Randy Bolz, Monday's episode of the "absolutely awful" CBS show The King Of Queens was a repeat yet again. "King Of Queens is bad enough when it's a new episode," Bolz said, "but this is the third time I've seen that stupid one where Doug buys the really expensive car against Carrie's wishes, then his company goes on strike. Even if I actually did like this show, I certainly wouldn't after seeing the same damn episode three times in less than a year. Christ."

No Clear Winner In Feces-Throwing Conflict

TABORA, TANZANIA– After several hours of fierce feces-slinging from both sides, no clear winner emerged Tuesday in the conflict between Tabora-area male silverback gorillas Lugo and Kamala. "While Lugo looked strong early on, heaving large quantities of his own dung at his opponent, Kamala came back with an equally impressive volley of his own," primatologist Dr. Donald Schayes said. "We might not have a clear handle on the outcome until mating season." The animals have tentatively scheduled an additional series of fecal flings over the next three weeks.

You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods

NORTHFIELD, IL– In the company's latest acquisition, Kraft Foods announced Monday that it has gained a controlling interest in you for an estimated $11,000, nearly 20 percent less than the amount forecast by Forbes Magazine market analysts earlier this year. "We are pleased to bring you under the umbrella of fine Kraft products and individuals," Kraft CEO Bob Eckert said. "After some retooling and repackaging, expect to be on store shelves sometime in early spring."

Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes

MILFORD, CT– Moments before dying, car-accident victim and hardcore Star Trek fan Glenn Schaefer saw Captain James T. Kirk's life flash before his eyes. "It's all coming back to me," said Schaefer, bleeding profusely and fading from massive head trauma. "The Salt Vampires of M-113, assisting Spock through the Pon Farr, outmaneuvering Khan Singh in the Mutara Nebula, the dilithium mines of Rura Penthe. I'm even seeing portions of the animated series and the Lost Years novels." Before taking his final breath, Schaefer turned to attending medical personnel and said, "It was... fun."

The XFL

Last weekend, the inaugural player draft was held for the XFL, the new World Wrestling Federation-backed pro-football league. What are some of the league's features?

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot

I usually enjoy Entertainment Weekly a great deal, devouring everything from Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet to the Gimme Shelter profiles of on-the-market celebrity homes to the always cheeky CyberDigest column. And, as a rule, I trust the magazine's reviews, confident that if Ken Tucker says the new CBS show The Fugitive is an A-minus, it's an A-minus. I must, however, take strong issue with the C-plus grade for the DVD release of The Patriot.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.
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