Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

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Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.


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