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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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