Aries | March 21 to April 19
No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.
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