adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close