adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Originality

Horoscope for the week of November 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No change for Aries this week, except for those who may be affected by bursting Brooklyn gas mains.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will occupy the national spotlight and win the hearts of Americans for reasons no one will be able to remember in six months.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your inability to grasp contemporary world events will be cleared up this week when you realize you've confused CBS Evening News with Cleopatra 2525.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will meet the girl of your dreams after a week of recurring nightmares about manipulation, betrayal, and fire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your carefully considered, issues-based presidential vote will be negated by a hairdresser who likes the other guy's ties.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be the toast of Napoleon's Paris for your airy yet visceral performance of The Little Minuet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Remember: There is nothing wrong with a vigorous and athletic display of sexuality, so long as you have the money.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Give in to your rebellious impulses at work this week: Disobey your boss by letting the door hit you on the ass on the way out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Though the stars know exactly what will happen in your life, this doesn't mean that astrology is consistent with the Christian tenet of predestination.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A dangerous but comical event will occur every time you ask the rhetorical question, "What next?"
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    If a really good roast-beef melt isn't the best sandwich in the world, Aquarius would like to know what is.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    From this moment forth, you will be elected treasurer of every organization you join.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close