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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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