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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!

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