Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!
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