Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!