Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!


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