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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your "important work for the government" is nothing more than income-tax filing. Please release the "Russian infiltrators" from your closet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Jupiter is in your sun sign this week, making it pretty crowded in there, what with Jupiter being the largest of the planets and all.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    People may justify your situation by saying it's for your own good, but don't buy it: Having you in jail is only good for the nurses.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It would be easier for you to endure the loss of your legs if they weren't your best pair of artificial ones.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall prey to both a common misconception and a family of bears.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    God appears before you in a dream and tells you to do good works and spread His word, but don't bother: It was only a dream, for crying out loud.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    For the last time, Libra is not another name for a rum and Coke. That's a Cuba Libre.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Everyone enjoys a party, but try to control your childlike glee now that you're finally 10 years old.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    It's true that sometimes it's impossible for you to hide your love, but please try your hardest.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Cheer up: Nobody ever died of a broken heart. Unless, that is, you count suicides, depression-related anemia or heart attacks.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your years of work with underprivileged children will earn you the Guonghzu Reebok plant's "Supervisor Of The Month" award.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    If you're thinking of marrying that special woman who always has a smile and a kind word for you, don't. That's your mom, for Christ's sake!
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