adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close