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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.

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