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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.

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