Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

In This Section

Vol 40 Issue 45

Political Blogger Mass Suicide To Be Discovered In Several Weeks

BOSTON—By examining web-traffic data for left-leaning DailyKos.com, researchers have predicted that the mass suicide of 14 political bloggers will likely be discovered sometime in mid-December. "After months of doing nothing but sit alone in our rooms at our computers, trying to get our message to the people, we lost the election anyway," read the still-unread suicide pact posted Nov. 3. "We'd rather be dead than live in a country as fucked up as this one." The bodies will most likely be found by property managers, long-estranged parents, or neighbors returning copies of Joe Trippi's The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.

Procrastinating Catholic 20 Rosaries Behind

BOSTON—Following three trips to the confessional in recent months, Paul McMullen has a backlog of 20 recitations of the rosary, the 32-year-old Catholic reported Monday. "Father O'Riordan gave me three rosaries last time, five the time before, and I still had 12 left over from last month," McMullan said. "I tried doing the 'Hail Marys' and the 'Our Fathers' on my way to work, but I kept losing my place during the Sorrowful Mysteries." McMullan said he plans to stop going to confession for a few months so he can catch up.

Amount Of Halloween Candy Collected Down 15 Percent

WASHINGTON, DC—According to data released Monday by the Federal Confectionery Reserve, the amount of candy collected by U.S. children this Halloween dropped 15 percent from 2003. "As the treating indicator plainly shows, our Snickers, Dum Dums, and Bit-O-Honey numbers were far below projections," FCR chairman Bert Worak said. "As we head into the next quarter, we should brace ourselves for a sharp reduction in levels of childhood wonder." Bennett also cautioned against counting on Santa Claus to boost candy acquisitions during the coming months.

Prehistoric Discoveries

This year, paleontologists made a number of important discoveries about prehistoric times, including the existence of a 40-inch-tall species of human, as well as that of an early, feathered relative of the Tyrannosurus Rex. What are some other recent discoveries?

The Republican Majority

Last week, Bush became the first Republican president to be re-elected with House and Senate majorities since 1924. What do you think?

U.S. To Send 30,000 Mall Security Guards To Iraq

WASHINGTON, DC—Pressed for additional troops to police the Iraqi general elections scheduled for January, the Pentagon announced Monday that it will dispatch 30,000 U.S. shopping-mall security guards to the troubled Sunni Triangle region.

Nation's Poor Win Election For Nation's Rich

WASHINGTON, DC—The economically disadvantaged segment of the U.S. population provided the decisive factor in another presidential election last Tuesday, handing control of the government to the rich and powerful once again.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Small Business

Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
  • Libra

    Libra

    People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More