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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of November 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're perfectly content curling up in your room with a good book, which is fortunate, considering how you'll be spending the next five to seven years for manslaughter.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll never be quite the same again after that Bible you've been thumping all these years finally has enough and beats the living shit out of you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The mousetrap you built is indeed better, but the bludgeoning part will prevent people from beating a path to your door.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You'll be shunned when the man you famously taught to fish dies of mercury poisoning.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Opening a free amusement park was a great idea, but people will be revolted by your idea of amusement.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are no words to express your complicated feelings toward that special someone, which is unfortunate, because she will fail to understand the hand gestures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    People might praise the ineffable human qualities of your post-lyric poetry now, but after you're gone, all they'll talk about is your great parties.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You only get one chance to make a first impression—literally, in your case, as you'll only meet one more person for the rest of your life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Judging by that lightheaded, dreamy feeling, this would be a good week to finally start some new meals.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Years from now, when most of the old onomatopoeia have gone out of style, the unique sound of your bursting body will still be in daily use.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week, you'll learn some important life lessons about sharing, admitting when you're wrong, and whether it's the volts or the amps that kill you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your feeling that the people you work with are dragging you down is borne out by the Norstar Telecommunications rope you'll find wrapped around your ankles.

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