adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Relax, Taurus: You know better than to think you can choose your own nickname. There are more tragic things in life than having everyone call you “Mr. Funny No-Arms-Or-Legs Guy.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If a major myocardial infarction is the worst thing that happens to you this week, you’ll be lucky.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be reminded of the worst day of your life when it reoccurs every single day this December.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have no trouble finding a sympathetic jury after you stab your roommate 36 times for leaving a dirty spoon on your sofa.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your failure to align spirits with your soulmate and the blocking of open feelings with friends are harming the worldly cosmic balance with which your life must harmonize. In the future, try to avoid messages without any real content.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reassured of your spouse’s love for you when she manages not to complain about your dank, fetid odor for the 10th consecutive week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will never understand the lives of other Sagittarians until you walk a mile in their comfortable Allen Edmonds shoes. Allen Edmonds— serving stylish star signs since 1945!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will not be issued a new horoscope until you satisfactorily complete those from October.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When God appears to you in a vision, remember: Hallucinations are not reliable, and God does not exist.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will have mixed feelings when doctors discover that your ground-up teeth are the cure for leukemia.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close