Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Relax, Taurus: You know better than to think you can choose your own nickname. There are more tragic things in life than having everyone call you “Mr. Funny No-Arms-Or-Legs Guy.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If a major myocardial infarction is the worst thing that happens to you this week, you’ll be lucky.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be reminded of the worst day of your life when it reoccurs every single day this December.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have no trouble finding a sympathetic jury after you stab your roommate 36 times for leaving a dirty spoon on your sofa.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your failure to align spirits with your soulmate and the blocking of open feelings with friends are harming the worldly cosmic balance with which your life must harmonize. In the future, try to avoid messages without any real content.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reassured of your spouse’s love for you when she manages not to complain about your dank, fetid odor for the 10th consecutive week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will never understand the lives of other Sagittarians until you walk a mile in their comfortable Allen Edmonds shoes. Allen Edmonds— serving stylish star signs since 1945!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will not be issued a new horoscope until you satisfactorily complete those from October.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When God appears to you in a vision, remember: Hallucinations are not reliable, and God does not exist.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will have mixed feelings when doctors discover that your ground-up teeth are the cure for leukemia.
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