Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Good Times

Horoscope for the week of November 11, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will meet a tall, dark Aquarius who is compatible with you in every way, right down to the unhealthy fixation with Mary Todd Lincoln.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Relax, Taurus: You know better than to think you can choose your own nickname. There are more tragic things in life than having everyone call you “Mr. Funny No-Arms-Or-Legs Guy.”
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    If a major myocardial infarction is the worst thing that happens to you this week, you’ll be lucky.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your happiness over your local sports team’s victory in its homecoming game fades when you realize that it has had no effect whatsoever on your life.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be reminded of the worst day of your life when it reoccurs every single day this December.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will have no trouble finding a sympathetic jury after you stab your roommate 36 times for leaving a dirty spoon on your sofa.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your failure to align spirits with your soulmate and the blocking of open feelings with friends are harming the worldly cosmic balance with which your life must harmonize. In the future, try to avoid messages without any real content.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be reassured of your spouse’s love for you when she manages not to complain about your dank, fetid odor for the 10th consecutive week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will never understand the lives of other Sagittarians until you walk a mile in their comfortable Allen Edmonds shoes. Allen Edmonds— serving stylish star signs since 1945!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will not be issued a new horoscope until you satisfactorily complete those from October.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    When God appears to you in a vision, remember: Hallucinations are not reliable, and God does not exist.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will have mixed feelings when doctors discover that your ground-up teeth are the cure for leukemia.